CheapThrills

More on dating sites and race preferences

I have a friend who’s on Match.com. We spent a couple minutes perusing profiles, paying particular attention to the “my date” criteria. On Match, people can select all the things they’re looking for in a date, ethnicity included. We found one guy who checked off every box except African American. But why? We needed answers!

So we decided to do some investigating.

My friend sent the guy a note. She wrote something she thought he’d actually respond to – i.e., her friend’s interest in him (which was purely fabricated, let me add). Here’s her email:

Hi,

stumbled upon your profile.

I've got a friend with me who thinks you are interesting.

She's wondering why you don't list African Americans in your dating preferences?

She's super cute and athletic - very smart and working in advertising.

Curious,

thanks.

We didn’t really expect him to respond. Too blunt of a question for someone to address, we thought. But he did! Go Match guy!

Subject: The answer to all your questions.........

Dear Match Maker,

First off I'd like to say that I'm flattered by the fact that you are investing time in me for your friends benefit not to mention the easy on the eyes statement your GF has made about me.

The answer to your question is really quite simple. I have it way bad for the dark haired, olive to dark skinned, exotic, ethnic beauties of various backgrounds. I've probably only dated 3 blondes in my life so I know the look that trips my trigger & I'm very consistent. While I never discriminate, here on match there is some criteria that I leave up to my discretion so as not to waist others time or have me being matched up w/ women I'm simply not attracted to. I prefer to be selective in the African American category & while I may be missing many an opportunity based on others viewing my preferences & passing me by I'd like to believe the girl for me knows that there are certainly exceptions to the rule & more importantly the answer is no if you don't ask. Basically no different than if a guy views your profile & his income is only $68k, should he pass you over or take a chance. I believe our profiles are simply a guideline but not cast in stone.

Long story short the answer to your question is yes I'm open to dating African Americans, I've yet to although I do have several female friends.

So many interesting and weird things here. Before I comment on this, I’ll say that I appreciate the guy’s willingness to answer the question as openly and honestly as he did.

Okay. Moving on.

Clearly his type – “dark haired, olive to dark skinned, exotic, ethnic beauties of various backgrounds” – encompasses African-American women and women of African descent… right? (I mean, with all those “other than White” code words like “exotic” and “ethnic”). In fact, his type doesn’t seem to describe Caucasian women at all. Or, at the very least, based on his email I’d think he’d choose to be as select with Caucasians as he would with African-Americans. So why did he check the Caucasian box? So as not to discriminate or miss out on an opportunity, so it seems. Which is contradictory to why he doesn’t include African-American women in his litany of ethnicity preferences.

But nonetheless, if you’re a Black woman and you’re not deterred by his total dismissal of “the African American category”, you must come to him. Because you could be the lucky exception to his rule! All you gotta do is ASK (otherwise the answer’s no… which it was anyway because he states plainly on his profile that he’s not in to you). Like his ideal African-American woman needs to cower to him. So arrogant.

So to make a short story even shorter, my friend:

If you are really open to dating African-American women it’d be wise to include them in the list of ethnicities you’re interested in. Or, better yet, since you say you don’t discriminate, maybe don’t even specify an “interested in” ethnicity on your profile.

Just a thought.

When a commenter starts to freak you out

Blogging’s tricky. You become the ruler of a little piece of the web and, as such, you’re faced with these surreal, technology-meets-antiquity dilemmas. “How much should I expose?” "Must I be humble or powerful?" “What is my relationship to my ‘court’, (ie, the commenters)?"

This is my blog. And because it’s mine, I can write what I want. So I write what I know: my interpretations on topics that are important to me. I push myself to really explore difficult, often prickly issues – mostly pertaining to race and interracial-ness. I know my posts can be a bit controversial, and I welcome an open dialogue.

Dialogue. What is dialogue? Dialogue is when you respond to an idea with another idea. It could be a build on the original idea. Or it could be a counterpoint.

What is NOT dialogue? When you respond to an idea with a tirade. When you misrepresent your rage for intelligence. When you create pointless openings to scream and shout and blab on and on about how angry you are.

I’m SO VERY against censoring the comments on this blog. Barring the removal of spam, I don’t exercise comment moderation. But, after months and months of one commenters rants and vindictive posts, I just can’t justify leaving the stuff up. I've tried to refrain from formally responding to this commenter's insulting, downright disturbing diatribes. They’re too hate-filled for me to even go there. I have addressed the topic that gets him so angry, though. Because the topic is important to me.

But now it's just gone too far. This is the comment that did in said commenter:

…and see a Black women cling so feverishly to the persons and the portions of a culture systemically inclined to disregard each and every aspect of her being, is like waiting to watch an accident you know is bound to happen. You can’t help but wait for the impact.

Main reason why this comment sucks so bad:

Contradictory motives. Apparently I cling to people that disregard “every aspect of my being” (if you've been following this person's comments, that would be White people), which leads me to surmise that this commenter would rather I “cling” solely to other Black people. But then in the next sentence s/he admits s/he’s waiting to watch me crash. Isn’t that a total disregard for “my being” as well? And, commenter, arent... you... Black? So... what's with your perverse desire to not only WATCH a fellow person of color hurt, but to go COMPLETELY out of your way to contribute to it? So sickening.

But also:
Use of big words and fancy grammar to sound smart/bolster a point. Dude, you’re not fooling anyone.

And to top it off, the commenter displays:
Stalker tendencies. After countless awful comments, I did a quick glance at my basic analytics - and I’m speculating this commenter Googles my name at least 6 times a day (yeah, at this point I have NO problem calling him/her out on it). To spew rage all over my blog. Hi, that’s not normal.

The truth is, I’m not so much angry at this person. No, what PISSES ME OFF is having to, from now on, delete a reader’s comments. That’s not what bloggings all about, at all.

But frankly, this commenter has issues that run far deeper than I’d like to delve. And I don’t need such negativity in my own, personal space. That being said, I’ve gotta play brutal blogger and ban "nothavingit" from my court. So that's it. Goodbye. I hope you stop throwing punches at the wind and start smiling someday.

-Ryan ☺

New racist anti-Obama e-mail (hopefully not) coming to an inbox near you!

My friend's co-worker actually received this at her work e-mail address. From a vendor. Isn't that crazy? Someone she barely even knows - someone who means to do business with her - is sending her this filth. The person who sent this must think everyone's on the same page when it comes to race-hating. Which is scary, because it leads me to believe that everyone around this person is on the same page.

I've never seen this particular e-mail before. I think the subject line is trying to be clever or something with the Guess Who's Coming to Dinner reference, but it seems the person who wrote it didn't quite understand what s/he was referencing.

And the photo attached to the e-mail (a huge attachment, I might add - shown below) works hard to be beyond offensive. It manages to evoke the painful image of the trans-Atlantic slave trade, poke fun at African-American culture, depict Black Arabs as dirty and dusty, suggest dark-skinned people are nothing but animals (who can miraculously survive packed so closely together) AND drum up the newfound American fear of refugees.

I.e., These people are taking over our glorious country! And Obama's their main man! So if he gets elected, they're all hear to stay. Forever. Regular Americans will become the second-class citizens!

Sick and sad.

Racist / derogatory language and Facebook profiles - What's your code of conduct?

If you’re not into updating your Entourage or throwing vampires, the only real thing to do on Facebook is to check out your friend’s profiles. You know… read their updates, comment on their photos, peruse their walls.

So about a year ago, I was scanning a family member’s MySpace page and came across some very disturbing language. His page was littered with the n-word – used by both his friends and he himself.

I can’t say that I know the full context of his posse’s word choice. Perhaps they use the word all the time? Perhaps it’s an inside joke? Who knows. But the thing is, I do know my family member (a cousin on my Caucasian side) – we grew up together, and had always been somewhat close. So, while I felt it would be inappropriate to write a public message on his profile decrying the language, I did think it would be entirely within my familial limits to mention my unease to his brother (who I am much closer with). Our conversation was quite illuminating… and somewhat sad. In the end, I felt it best not to bring up my concern with the cousin in question.

Admittedly, I’m listening in on someone else’s conversation by reading his or her public wall. But public walls are, for all intents and purposes, meant for all to see. In fact, in the Facebook/MySpace world, one’s wall is a living, breathing testament to one’s popularity.

Since this incident, I’ve been wondering what I’d do if the same thing ever occurred with a close friend or family member whose life I am an integral part of - a sister, a brother, a best friend, etc. Is it enough to remind said person that you love them dearly? Does this type of situation warrant a more in-depth discussion (of course, not out of anger, but out of love)? Or is "letting it go" the best approach?

Oprah's Obama endorsement opens up blogosphere race debate - depressingly inevitable

Oprah Winfrey endorsed Barack Obama in May, and now she’s set to hit the campaign trail with him starting Dec. 8th. I don’t know what this will mean for the Obama campaign, or whether Oprah’s endorsement will actually translate into votes. But I DO know one thing—Oprah’s endorsement has opened up a tricky little debate around the poltics blogosphere.

I read politics blogs like CNN Political Ticker and The New York Times Caucus not only for the posts themselves but also for the comments. Many commenters are outright appalled by Oprah’s endorsement because she’s Black and she’s supporting a Black candidate. Here’s a little comment sampler from today's Ticker post (and for more from a different source, read some of these from the Caucus):

"I'm wondering where was Oprah when all the other Non-Black candidates were running?
Transparent endorsement!"

"I can tell you this.. If it's BLACK, OPRAH is on any bandwagon."

"Why is Oprah doing this? She tries to prove that she is "black" time and again. Her shows run because of both whites and blacks, but she shamelessly flaunts her blackness. I saw her once at the Academy awards when she was throwing punches in the air when the then winner Jamie Fox said something about "Blacks winning" the award. If a white man does that, he would be immediately castigated by the media. I am all for racial equality, but these days it is become increasingly difficult for me to see who is being racist."

"You know who is making this a racist thing? Obmama, Michelle and Oprah. Plain and simple. I agree with Ms. Ashley Phillips "The question is would she be supporting him if he were white? Wonder what she would say????" Obama is really messing this up. No other way to look at it"

There’s simply too much crap here for me to take on (and I've only posted 4 of 160 and counting mostly negative comments), but just a few notes up front:
1. If “it’s” Black? IT? Barack Obama happens to be a human being, not an inanimate object.
2. What does it mean to flaunt one’s “blackness?” Is this kind of like wearing afros and other “political” hairstyles to work? If I wear bronzer, am I flauting my bronze skin tone?
3. How did “Obmama”, Michelle, and Oprah turn the campaign into a “racist thing?”

Blogs aren’t meant to live in a vacuum; they are designed to initiate conversation. I think that comments dictate the outcome of a blog post. They contain the real substance because they offer a window into popular opinion.

So, it’s really quite painful to see so many voices discredit Oprah Winfrey’s ability to make decisions. She has proven herself as an unmatched businesswoman and entrepreneur. She’s probably got more experience making significant decisions than 99.9% of people in this country.

Having said this, the woman can make any decision she chooses based on any criteria that she sees fit. Other Black candidates have run for President, and Oprah Winfrey did not endorse them. Obviously she would put more thought into an endorsement than the race of the candidate. And even if this is a consideration of hers… well, so what?

This commenter says it best, in my opinion:

"Oprah is allowed to endorse any candidate she wants, but some people writing here seem to think that because she is black she should be ashamed to support a black candidate.

How many white-americans are supporting a white candidate? Try telling any of them that they shouldn't support the candidate of their choice because they share the same race!

They expect someone with her wealth and power to want to avoid such associations with blacks in order to appease their sensibilities. It would be acceptable to them for her to endorse Hillary Clinton but by supporting Obama, just as by her choosing to build a school in South Africa, she is reminding them that she is not ashamed of her race. She is wealthy, intelligent, powerful, and she is African-American and she is PROUD to be.

They want her to seek 'pardon' for being black by constantly seeking their approval and avoiding making THEM feel uncomfortable.

The reality is that many African-American females are NOT supporting Hillary Clinton because they don't feel she is the best candidate, and her gender doesn't sway them to her side."

No matter whose campaign you support, it’s clear that Oprah’s endorsement and presence on the campaign trail has opened up a jarring race debate—one that transcends the typical political playing field. What are your thoughts?

Full CNN Article (not a blog post): http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/11/26/obama.oprah/index.html

The Racist that Rocks the Cradle

Over the last couple years, I’ve been hearing comments like these more and more:

“Black people just blow everything way out of proportion”

“Black people think everyone is racist, I wish they’d just stop playing the race card”

If this is true, my dear enlightened friends, how do you explain the abundance of offensive material posted online daily? Ok ok, those posts are really offensive, they’re just funny, right? They’re just all in good fun. Fine, think what you want. But now let’s look at people's comments on these posts.

Here’s just a taste. Just one example.

Original Post: Sparkling Wiggles (aw, how cute!)

Offensive? Not offensive? It doesn’t even matter at this point, because here are some of the comments on CollegeHumor.com:

• Best video ever?
• if i have a daughter, that will be her...
• sparkling wiggles stole my car.
• that sparkling wiggle ain't mah baby-daddy
• sparling wiggles are so lazy
• watching out, he goes to howard...he's definitely a sparkling wiggle
• yeah theres a keyword to this site that some people forget about.... HUMOR... collegeHUMOR... if you dont find it funny, move on and quit trying to shove your opinions into others' face... nobody comes on here for a racial issues lecture
• only thing more funny than the video is lameasses who are offended by it.
• Wow your all a bunch of crazy ass homos. Lick my balls wiggles.
• sparkling wiggles got too mad over this
• Go back to Compton Wiggle lover.....I'm sorry
• i just made a wiggle beater...those sparkling wiggles keep breaking into my apartment at night.
• hahahahahaha, my new favorite video...get a job sparkling wiggles- priceless and so true.

And here’s a video responses from YouTube :

...And a couple comments posted on this video

• the mask is pretty good i mean the lips are in a good proportion to a normal nigger but the nose. the nose is where ur killing me. everyone knows that the average niggers nose is at least 2 maybe even 3 times the size of that. cmon man no ur fucking niggers alittle better.
• fucking niggers.
• These people need to chill out. That was hilarious! "Little white devil woman" When you took off the glasses I nearly fell off my chair!
• WHITE POWER MUTHA FUCKER!

Keep 'em laughing, right?

Thanks to the Internet of 2007's wonderful but perhaps counterintuitive blend of huge social networks and available anonymity, cowards can take their skulking selves to a computer and roam free! And wow, there are so many… who knew?! (anyone with some color did, that's who...)