CheapThrills

Millionaire Matchmaker’s Patti Stanger should be a spokeswoman for damaged Black hair

I enjoy the Millionaire Matchmaker as much as the next couch potato, but there’s something about Patti Stanger’s “tough love” critiquing that irks the hell outta me. It’s her outright rejection of short and /or curly hair, and the blanket statement that men with money are not attracted to these attributes. I’m not the only one who’s just a little bit annoyed by this – the lovely ladies at Naturally Curly have created a Facebook Group dedicated to stopping the “curl bashing”.   

But from my vantage point, I take issue with her views for two reasons:

1)   It’s just not true. I have extremely curly hair, which I wore long for quite some time, and I now wear super duper short (basically, I asked my stylist for a little boy’s haircut, haha). And here’s what I know, from personal experience: 10 times out of 10 men very much prefer my hair curly to straight. And – to my surprise, actually – I've gotten more attention wearing my hair short than long. Imagine that.

2)   The statement is actually kinda racist. I mean, think about it. If you’re a Black woman, your hair is curly by nature. Sorry world, that’s just how it is. So Patti seems to be advocating relaxers (you know, those chemicals that can burn through a plastic cup if left for a couple days…those chemicals that make hair break and fall out - super great stuff) and curling irons (straight from the horse’s mouth, on her Facebook page: “I like stylish curly/wavy hair, but my millionaire men don't. So, go buy a flat iron...). Either that, or she’s saying men are fundamentally NOT attracted to us. Boo for Black women, tough luck, we won’t find love because our hair isn’t desirable to men as a species. Because all men think alike, after all – or at least men with money do.

Maybe Patti doesn’t understand the damage that straightening a Black woman’s hair can reek - both to her hair and, in my opinion, to her sense of self. Or, more likely, maybe she does and she just doesn’t give a crap. Either way, she’s wrong. So wrong.

The big haircut!

My grandmother used to always say to me, “All that hair. Don’t EVER cut it.” I always assumed she knew some secret – like maybe once you cut little-Black-girl-hair it doesn’t ever grow back (a thought that absolutely terrified me). But then I grew up and grew out my relaxer and realized that my hair grows pretty darn fast. So I began asking myself this: why is it such a travesty for a Black woman with long hair to cut it short?

I’ve worn my hair long my whole life, most recently like this:

Not surprisingly, this ‘do attracted much attention from strangers – like the middle-aged woman with the crazy eyes who attempted to stroke my hair while waiting in line for the bathroom – but also from Black/interracial women like me that I've known for years. In fact, I’ve had more wonderful conversations with Black girlfriends about the pros of natural hair than I can count. So I guess I was a bit taken off-guard by the cringes and outbursts from these friends when I announced I was cutting my hair short.  Almost as if my haircut was a personal affront to Black women everywhere.

I always thought that wearing my hair natural provided me with freedom from hot irons and burning chemicals. But actually, it bound me in a different way by appointing me with a social responsibility that I neither anticipated nor asked for: the local face of big, bold natural hair. Funny how that works. But I think women – especially Black women – should afford each other with the luxury of choice.

So now my hair’s short! Like, super duper short. And someday it’ll be long again. But here’s what’s true: how I wear it will always be my choice. And cutting it was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life thus far… as is being able to wash and dry it in 5 minutes flat.

Some shots from the cut, with stylist extraordinaire Jessy Lockward from G2O Salon in Boston.

Before! All big hair,  smiles, and excitement.

 

Ahh! The first snip!
 

Halfway through. I don't know if you can tell, but I'm kinda freaking out here. Maybe because at this point in the haircut I look pretty ridiculous.
 

The last little bit!
 

I decided to donate all my hair to Locks Of Love. I hope it makes someone happy.
 

Jessy putting on the finishing touches.
 

Startin' to dig it.

Fake (read: awesome) teabagger signs in Boston

Here are some choice selections, along with a special message from Brick Tamland.

If you have any good shots from yesterday's little tea party in the Boston Common, please send them my way!

 

 

 

 

 

The best storyteller in New York City

Well, for one night at least.

After graduating from college, my friend Liz taught at a public elementary school in the Bronx for 4 years through Teach For America. You'd think a Jewish girl from Oldtown Philly would be intimidated by such a prospect. Not Liz. In fact, I'd classify her as the teacher every kid wants - funny, smart, and not afraid to get down and dirty in the classroom. For example, if the kids got too rowdy she'd instill a 20 minute mandatory "dance party" so they could let off a little steam (of course, during this time she'd work on her Soulja Boy as well). She also made frequent house visits, and ended up befriending many of the kid's parents (well, mostly single moms actually).

But what really made Liz such a jewel in the classroom? She treated her kids like equals. Like friends - even loved ones. And the stories that come out of such relationships...

Well, they win The Moth GrandSlam storytelling competition. Other Moth storytellers include Janeane Garofalo and Margaret Cho, so I'd say Liz's in pretty good company.

Hot new interracial couple alert!

Admittedly, I'm not a huge Archie fan. But whatever, this plot twist was too good to pass up. Looks like Archie and Valerie from Josie and the Pussycats are having a little "secret" romance. You know, they smooch in dark corners, fine-dine in their parents' basement - that sort of thing. But now the word's out! They've started kissing... in public! That's progress, baby.

Haircut help!

I've decided to give my hair a hack for the summer. I'm wavering between something like this:

And something like this:

It's a big change, so I need opinions. Tell me what you think.

- Ryan

Dave Chappelle is a funny, funny dude

I caught Dave Chappelle's 2007 stand-up act Killing Them Softly on Comedy Central over the weekend. For all the feigned LOLs in this world, it's seldom that you actually "laugh out loud" - especially when you're alone. But this part did it for me.

More on dating sites and race preferences

I have a friend who’s on Match.com. We spent a couple minutes perusing profiles, paying particular attention to the “my date” criteria. On Match, people can select all the things they’re looking for in a date, ethnicity included. We found one guy who checked off every box except African American. But why? We needed answers!

So we decided to do some investigating.

My friend sent the guy a note. She wrote something she thought he’d actually respond to – i.e., her friend’s interest in him (which was purely fabricated, let me add). Here’s her email:

Hi,

stumbled upon your profile.

I've got a friend with me who thinks you are interesting.

She's wondering why you don't list African Americans in your dating preferences?

She's super cute and athletic - very smart and working in advertising.

Curious,

thanks.

We didn’t really expect him to respond. Too blunt of a question for someone to address, we thought. But he did! Go Match guy!

Subject: The answer to all your questions.........

Dear Match Maker,

First off I'd like to say that I'm flattered by the fact that you are investing time in me for your friends benefit not to mention the easy on the eyes statement your GF has made about me.

The answer to your question is really quite simple. I have it way bad for the dark haired, olive to dark skinned, exotic, ethnic beauties of various backgrounds. I've probably only dated 3 blondes in my life so I know the look that trips my trigger & I'm very consistent. While I never discriminate, here on match there is some criteria that I leave up to my discretion so as not to waist others time or have me being matched up w/ women I'm simply not attracted to. I prefer to be selective in the African American category & while I may be missing many an opportunity based on others viewing my preferences & passing me by I'd like to believe the girl for me knows that there are certainly exceptions to the rule & more importantly the answer is no if you don't ask. Basically no different than if a guy views your profile & his income is only $68k, should he pass you over or take a chance. I believe our profiles are simply a guideline but not cast in stone.

Long story short the answer to your question is yes I'm open to dating African Americans, I've yet to although I do have several female friends.

So many interesting and weird things here. Before I comment on this, I’ll say that I appreciate the guy’s willingness to answer the question as openly and honestly as he did.

Okay. Moving on.

Clearly his type – “dark haired, olive to dark skinned, exotic, ethnic beauties of various backgrounds” – encompasses African-American women and women of African descent… right? (I mean, with all those “other than White” code words like “exotic” and “ethnic”). In fact, his type doesn’t seem to describe Caucasian women at all. Or, at the very least, based on his email I’d think he’d choose to be as select with Caucasians as he would with African-Americans. So why did he check the Caucasian box? So as not to discriminate or miss out on an opportunity, so it seems. Which is contradictory to why he doesn’t include African-American women in his litany of ethnicity preferences.

But nonetheless, if you’re a Black woman and you’re not deterred by his total dismissal of “the African American category”, you must come to him. Because you could be the lucky exception to his rule! All you gotta do is ASK (otherwise the answer’s no… which it was anyway because he states plainly on his profile that he’s not in to you). Like his ideal African-American woman needs to cower to him. So arrogant.

So to make a short story even shorter, my friend:

If you are really open to dating African-American women it’d be wise to include them in the list of ethnicities you’re interested in. Or, better yet, since you say you don’t discriminate, maybe don’t even specify an “interested in” ethnicity on your profile.

Just a thought.

Check the box: Is “type” a preference or a prejudice?

This Valentine’s Day, I spent the day dating myself. First, I took myself to the movies (note to all you singles out there, try not to see Up In The Air alone), then stopped in a new-ish salon on State Street by Division for a $49.99 one-hour deep tissue massage (deal of a lifetime!), and then cooked myself a delicious meal of lamb chops and steamed broccoli.

All this auto-dating inevitably got me to thinking about actual couples and actual Valentine’s Day, and what you’re actually supposed to be doing on the hallmark holiday… ie, dating other people. But what people?

Specifically, what I wondered – and have been wondering for quite some time:

When you have a “type”, is it preference or prejudice?

For awhile, I’d been arguing that types are just preference. And what’s so bad about that? We have models of the opposite sex in our lives (our first loves, our brothers, sisters, parents, etc) and these help create what we’re attracted to. Of course, there are tons of other factors that go into the why of who we pick, but they’re almost too complicated to get in to.

Or are they?

A few days ago, I came across this neat article on Time.com that discusses dating sites and online personals listings, particularly focusing on users’ “looking for” race specifications. The article cites some startling statistics:

“… a study published last year in Social Science Research examined 1,558 profiles that white daters living in or near big U.S. cities placed on Yahoo! Personals, which, much like Match, lists 10 racial and ethnic groups users can select as preferred dates. Among the women, 73% stated a preference. Of these, 64% selected whites only, while fewer than 10% included East Indians, Middle Easterners, Asians or blacks. The story is a little different for the men, 59% of whom stated a racial preference. Of these, nearly half selected Asians, but fewer than 7% did for black women.”

Eeks.

Okay – I’m not going to totally hate on the White women for their overwhelming preference for White guys. That’s like condemning Jewish dating site JDate.com or BlackPeopleMeet.com – and I’m sure if the study did a tally of Black women’s race preferences they’d see a strong showing for Black men.

What really wigs me out here is the White guys’ preferences. Because – just a hunch – I highly doubt that the majority of these men based their preference on personal interactions. No, sweeping stereotypes put forth by media outlets (as the article states, “media's portrayal of Asian women as being hypersexual and black women as being bossy”) must have influenced the race boxes that these men checked when selecting their dating preferences. Actually, strike that. Dating prejudices.

But taking a step back, clearly we’re all guilty of it. I think that one reason people tend to date within their race is because they assume common beliefs and values. And yes, that’s stereotyping everyone within your race, assuming they’re just like you because they sport your same skin color.

Course I’m guilty of it, too. My prejudices tend to lead me towards a particular type: interracial, curly haired laugh-lovers who enjoy movies, massages, and lamb chops.

Consequently, Valentine’s Day turned out to be a home run.

Interracial couple denied marriage in Louisiana

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," [Keith] Bardwell, [justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish] told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

I think that pretty much says it all.

Read full article here.

DirectTV's King Kong ad: Playing up a peculiar allegory

This TV spot irks the hell out of me. Perhaps because it cuts in during virtually every show I watch - from MLB playoff games to America's Next Top Model marathons. Perhaps because borrowed interest always turns out phony and lazy.

Or, perhaps, my distaste has something to do with the King Kong mockery itself.

By now, we should all get that the original King Kong film portrayed a <racist> metaphor for race relations in the U.S:

King Kong is all happy being the ruler of a weird, backwards island in the middle of nowhere. He's "discovered" by some White explorers, who basically kidnap him and bring him to the civilized world in chains and shackles. When King Kong escapes, he's murdered. But before he dies, he falls in love with a beautiful blond, and they have some sort of relationship. Which seems silly to viewers - after all, how could a proper woman possibly spend time with an uncivilized giant ape?

Now go through this synopsis and replace all references to "King Kong" with "The African man", and you should get the symbolism.

But apparently, this obvious allegory was totally lost on the marketing folks at DirectTV. The spot, in which a poor man's Naomi Watts jabs at King Kong for not being "evolved" and for "staring at her 24-7", plays up all the controversial racist undertones that the original film portrays. These insults on Kong strike me as gratuitous, and, given the history of the King Kong story, written in utter bad taste. Am I missing some crucial bit of info that makes this spot worthwhile? Somehow I doubt it.

Black women want their heads rubbed, too

Now that this week’s Oprah schedule is up on her site, I guess I can divulge which taping I attended (and if this isn’t supreme coincidence I don’t know what is): Chris Rock’s dish on his new documentary, “Good Hair”. In fact, we audience members attended the film’s North American film debut, right here in downtown Chicago.  

The show airs today, September 30th (set your DVRs!). But before it does, I’d like to comment on an issue that Rock discusses both in the film and during his visit with Oprah: the “no touch” rule when it comes to Black women’s hair (i.e. if you’re dating a Black woman, don’t even try to get near her head). According to Rock, Black men are “thirsty” to touch a head of hair, and Black women’s "keep away" policy causes intimacy issues.  

So I’ll venture this, and then explain: Black women’s scalps are equally parched from lack of attention. Yes, our hair is thirsty for love, too.  

Deeper than the “my hair will get messed up” mantra, I think the root of the problem lies in insecurity. And why not? Us women of color have always been taught that, in its natural state, our hair is not beautiful. So we hide behind weaves and wigs and relaxers, quite literally putting up a barriers between our scalps and the hands of others.  

At least in my experience, the fake-ification of my hair promoted my own hair insecurity. When I had a relaxer, my hair was never normal - but instead “oily” or “brittle” or “damaged”. It couldn’t get wet. It would break if I was – forced to – swim during PE. And oh, the lies I told my White friends back then! They’d ask, “How long does it take you to straighten your hair every morning?” I’d reply, “Oh, awhile.” Never letting on that I actually hadn’t washed it for 2 weeks. Because, in my mind, telling them that would make them think I was dirty (when in reality, it’s just not good to wash, blow dry, and hot iron relaxed hair very often). And so, when my first serious boyfriend didn’t want to rub my scalp because my hair was “too greasy”, I pretty much deemed my hair off-limits. It wasn’t that I didn’t want my head rubbed; it was more that I was ashamed.  And, quite honestly, having someone you care about halfheartedly rub your head for a second and then wipe off his hand on his jeans burns more than any relaxer on the shelf.  

Of course, these stories are from high school. I don’t have a relaxer anymore and I’m proud of my hair now, but I’ll be honest – the insecurity lingers. That’s why, even today, there are only a handful of people who I allow near my head. They’re the ones who I know are actually enjoying my hair. The ones I trust with all my insecurities. Because, as a woman of color, when someone rubs your head you’re completely dropping your guard, thus putting your complete SELF into their hands. It can be sensual, but definitely not by definition. It’s love (think Celie "scratching the song" out of Shug's head in "The Color Purple").

It's sacred.  

So back to Chris Rock and men not being allowed to touch Black women’s hair. My advice: If you’re a man and you’re with a Black woman, offer to give her a legit scalp massage. Say you’ll be careful not to mess up her hair – all you want is for her to lay down and close her eyes and relax. She may turn you down, but believe me, the offer will light her up.

Finding blind racism in Charades

Here’s an interesting story:

A friend of mine just started working on his MBA at a new school. He’s met a ton of great people so far – cool kids that seem open-minded, progressive, smart as hell, and just totally fun to be around.

The inner core of his new circle of friends (all of whom are White) has been hanging out pretty frequently, doing everything from grabbing drinks to playing Scattergories. A few nights ago, they found themselves in a heated game of Charades. Boys vs. girls. Winner rules the roost.

Girls were up. Person. 5-syllables. Sounds like “llama”. Yep, you guessed it, Barack Obama.

The boys looked on in excitement as one of the girls acted out “mama” to her team. Then one guy, who I actually met and really found to be one the warmest, most easy-going people in the bunch, whispers to my friend, “If we were up, would it be wrong for me to act out a monkey?”

He was serious. Like, he had no idea.

What’s so baffling to me is that I don’t think there’s an intentional racist bone in this guy’s body. No, these racist images are embedded in his mind, and, clearly, he has no idea how supremely destructive they are. To people as sheltered as he, King Kong looks like a big Black guy! Haha! Funny! And better walk fast, because the “ghetto” kids on the corner are probably selling drugs! Because that’s what “ghetto people” do!

Is it racism? Or just totally cluelessness? You tell me.

Live at the Oprah Show!

You won’t believe it…
A friend of mine actually scored tickets to Oprah.

Wednesday morning, we found ourselves dressed to the nines, in a cab whizzing (literally, the cabbie was going about 55 on city roads) to Harpo Studios for a 7am Oprah Show taping.

Sadly, I’m somewhat limited in what I can reveal about the show itself. But I will say this: Oprah seemed, well, a little odd. It hit me almost immediately, when she was announced out and meandered onto set in a total daze.

Barefoot.

I thought she was trying to make a statement; something along the lines of “Black women are beautiful head-to-toe no matter what.” But no. She honestly didn’t know what the hell was going on. When she sat down, she ran through scripts for about 10 minutes while someone put on her shoes for her and someone else sprayed her hair. We all sat in an awkward silence, half smiling, half cringing. Excited, but also... confused.

The beginning was weird, but the actual show was a total trip. I kept having David At The Dentist moments, thinking to myself, "Is this real life?" And the guest rocked. So if you find yourself home sick on September 30th (or know how to work your DVR), tune in. I sat in the front row, so you may see me. Look for the orange scarf and mohawk-y fro.

When a commenter starts to freak you out

Blogging’s tricky. You become the ruler of a little piece of the web and, as such, you’re faced with these surreal, technology-meets-antiquity dilemmas. “How much should I expose?” "Must I be humble or powerful?" “What is my relationship to my ‘court’, (ie, the commenters)?"

This is my blog. And because it’s mine, I can write what I want. So I write what I know: my interpretations on topics that are important to me. I push myself to really explore difficult, often prickly issues – mostly pertaining to race and interracial-ness. I know my posts can be a bit controversial, and I welcome an open dialogue.

Dialogue. What is dialogue? Dialogue is when you respond to an idea with another idea. It could be a build on the original idea. Or it could be a counterpoint.

What is NOT dialogue? When you respond to an idea with a tirade. When you misrepresent your rage for intelligence. When you create pointless openings to scream and shout and blab on and on about how angry you are.

I’m SO VERY against censoring the comments on this blog. Barring the removal of spam, I don’t exercise comment moderation. But, after months and months of one commenters rants and vindictive posts, I just can’t justify leaving the stuff up. I've tried to refrain from formally responding to this commenter's insulting, downright disturbing diatribes. They’re too hate-filled for me to even go there. I have addressed the topic that gets him so angry, though. Because the topic is important to me.

But now it's just gone too far. This is the comment that did in said commenter:

…and see a Black women cling so feverishly to the persons and the portions of a culture systemically inclined to disregard each and every aspect of her being, is like waiting to watch an accident you know is bound to happen. You can’t help but wait for the impact.

Main reason why this comment sucks so bad:

Contradictory motives. Apparently I cling to people that disregard “every aspect of my being” (if you've been following this person's comments, that would be White people), which leads me to surmise that this commenter would rather I “cling” solely to other Black people. But then in the next sentence s/he admits s/he’s waiting to watch me crash. Isn’t that a total disregard for “my being” as well? And, commenter, arent... you... Black? So... what's with your perverse desire to not only WATCH a fellow person of color hurt, but to go COMPLETELY out of your way to contribute to it? So sickening.

But also:
Use of big words and fancy grammar to sound smart/bolster a point. Dude, you’re not fooling anyone.

And to top it off, the commenter displays:
Stalker tendencies. After countless awful comments, I did a quick glance at my basic analytics - and I’m speculating this commenter Googles my name at least 6 times a day (yeah, at this point I have NO problem calling him/her out on it). To spew rage all over my blog. Hi, that’s not normal.

The truth is, I’m not so much angry at this person. No, what PISSES ME OFF is having to, from now on, delete a reader’s comments. That’s not what bloggings all about, at all.

But frankly, this commenter has issues that run far deeper than I’d like to delve. And I don’t need such negativity in my own, personal space. That being said, I’ve gotta play brutal blogger and ban "nothavingit" from my court. So that's it. Goodbye. I hope you stop throwing punches at the wind and start smiling someday.

-Ryan ☺