CheapThrills

Hot new interracial couple alert!

Admittedly, I'm not a huge Archie fan. But whatever, this plot twist was too good to pass up. Looks like Archie and Valerie from Josie and the Pussycats are having a little "secret" romance. You know, they smooch in dark corners, fine-dine in their parents' basement - that sort of thing. But now the word's out! They've started kissing... in public! That's progress, baby.

More on dating sites and race preferences

I have a friend who’s on Match.com. We spent a couple minutes perusing profiles, paying particular attention to the “my date” criteria. On Match, people can select all the things they’re looking for in a date, ethnicity included. We found one guy who checked off every box except African American. But why? We needed answers!

So we decided to do some investigating.

My friend sent the guy a note. She wrote something she thought he’d actually respond to – i.e., her friend’s interest in him (which was purely fabricated, let me add). Here’s her email:

Hi,

stumbled upon your profile.

I've got a friend with me who thinks you are interesting.

She's wondering why you don't list African Americans in your dating preferences?

She's super cute and athletic - very smart and working in advertising.

Curious,

thanks.

We didn’t really expect him to respond. Too blunt of a question for someone to address, we thought. But he did! Go Match guy!

Subject: The answer to all your questions.........

Dear Match Maker,

First off I'd like to say that I'm flattered by the fact that you are investing time in me for your friends benefit not to mention the easy on the eyes statement your GF has made about me.

The answer to your question is really quite simple. I have it way bad for the dark haired, olive to dark skinned, exotic, ethnic beauties of various backgrounds. I've probably only dated 3 blondes in my life so I know the look that trips my trigger & I'm very consistent. While I never discriminate, here on match there is some criteria that I leave up to my discretion so as not to waist others time or have me being matched up w/ women I'm simply not attracted to. I prefer to be selective in the African American category & while I may be missing many an opportunity based on others viewing my preferences & passing me by I'd like to believe the girl for me knows that there are certainly exceptions to the rule & more importantly the answer is no if you don't ask. Basically no different than if a guy views your profile & his income is only $68k, should he pass you over or take a chance. I believe our profiles are simply a guideline but not cast in stone.

Long story short the answer to your question is yes I'm open to dating African Americans, I've yet to although I do have several female friends.

So many interesting and weird things here. Before I comment on this, I’ll say that I appreciate the guy’s willingness to answer the question as openly and honestly as he did.

Okay. Moving on.

Clearly his type – “dark haired, olive to dark skinned, exotic, ethnic beauties of various backgrounds” – encompasses African-American women and women of African descent… right? (I mean, with all those “other than White” code words like “exotic” and “ethnic”). In fact, his type doesn’t seem to describe Caucasian women at all. Or, at the very least, based on his email I’d think he’d choose to be as select with Caucasians as he would with African-Americans. So why did he check the Caucasian box? So as not to discriminate or miss out on an opportunity, so it seems. Which is contradictory to why he doesn’t include African-American women in his litany of ethnicity preferences.

But nonetheless, if you’re a Black woman and you’re not deterred by his total dismissal of “the African American category”, you must come to him. Because you could be the lucky exception to his rule! All you gotta do is ASK (otherwise the answer’s no… which it was anyway because he states plainly on his profile that he’s not in to you). Like his ideal African-American woman needs to cower to him. So arrogant.

So to make a short story even shorter, my friend:

If you are really open to dating African-American women it’d be wise to include them in the list of ethnicities you’re interested in. Or, better yet, since you say you don’t discriminate, maybe don’t even specify an “interested in” ethnicity on your profile.

Just a thought.

Check the box: Is “type” a preference or a prejudice?

This Valentine’s Day, I spent the day dating myself. First, I took myself to the movies (note to all you singles out there, try not to see Up In The Air alone), then stopped in a new-ish salon on State Street by Division for a $49.99 one-hour deep tissue massage (deal of a lifetime!), and then cooked myself a delicious meal of lamb chops and steamed broccoli.

All this auto-dating inevitably got me to thinking about actual couples and actual Valentine’s Day, and what you’re actually supposed to be doing on the hallmark holiday… ie, dating other people. But what people?

Specifically, what I wondered – and have been wondering for quite some time:

When you have a “type”, is it preference or prejudice?

For awhile, I’d been arguing that types are just preference. And what’s so bad about that? We have models of the opposite sex in our lives (our first loves, our brothers, sisters, parents, etc) and these help create what we’re attracted to. Of course, there are tons of other factors that go into the why of who we pick, but they’re almost too complicated to get in to.

Or are they?

A few days ago, I came across this neat article on Time.com that discusses dating sites and online personals listings, particularly focusing on users’ “looking for” race specifications. The article cites some startling statistics:

“… a study published last year in Social Science Research examined 1,558 profiles that white daters living in or near big U.S. cities placed on Yahoo! Personals, which, much like Match, lists 10 racial and ethnic groups users can select as preferred dates. Among the women, 73% stated a preference. Of these, 64% selected whites only, while fewer than 10% included East Indians, Middle Easterners, Asians or blacks. The story is a little different for the men, 59% of whom stated a racial preference. Of these, nearly half selected Asians, but fewer than 7% did for black women.”

Eeks.

Okay – I’m not going to totally hate on the White women for their overwhelming preference for White guys. That’s like condemning Jewish dating site JDate.com or BlackPeopleMeet.com – and I’m sure if the study did a tally of Black women’s race preferences they’d see a strong showing for Black men.

What really wigs me out here is the White guys’ preferences. Because – just a hunch – I highly doubt that the majority of these men based their preference on personal interactions. No, sweeping stereotypes put forth by media outlets (as the article states, “media's portrayal of Asian women as being hypersexual and black women as being bossy”) must have influenced the race boxes that these men checked when selecting their dating preferences. Actually, strike that. Dating prejudices.

But taking a step back, clearly we’re all guilty of it. I think that one reason people tend to date within their race is because they assume common beliefs and values. And yes, that’s stereotyping everyone within your race, assuming they’re just like you because they sport your same skin color.

Course I’m guilty of it, too. My prejudices tend to lead me towards a particular type: interracial, curly haired laugh-lovers who enjoy movies, massages, and lamb chops.

Consequently, Valentine’s Day turned out to be a home run.

Interracial couple denied marriage in Louisiana

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," [Keith] Bardwell, [justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish] told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

I think that pretty much says it all.

Read full article here.

When a commenter starts to freak you out

Blogging’s tricky. You become the ruler of a little piece of the web and, as such, you’re faced with these surreal, technology-meets-antiquity dilemmas. “How much should I expose?” "Must I be humble or powerful?" “What is my relationship to my ‘court’, (ie, the commenters)?"

This is my blog. And because it’s mine, I can write what I want. So I write what I know: my interpretations on topics that are important to me. I push myself to really explore difficult, often prickly issues – mostly pertaining to race and interracial-ness. I know my posts can be a bit controversial, and I welcome an open dialogue.

Dialogue. What is dialogue? Dialogue is when you respond to an idea with another idea. It could be a build on the original idea. Or it could be a counterpoint.

What is NOT dialogue? When you respond to an idea with a tirade. When you misrepresent your rage for intelligence. When you create pointless openings to scream and shout and blab on and on about how angry you are.

I’m SO VERY against censoring the comments on this blog. Barring the removal of spam, I don’t exercise comment moderation. But, after months and months of one commenters rants and vindictive posts, I just can’t justify leaving the stuff up. I've tried to refrain from formally responding to this commenter's insulting, downright disturbing diatribes. They’re too hate-filled for me to even go there. I have addressed the topic that gets him so angry, though. Because the topic is important to me.

But now it's just gone too far. This is the comment that did in said commenter:

…and see a Black women cling so feverishly to the persons and the portions of a culture systemically inclined to disregard each and every aspect of her being, is like waiting to watch an accident you know is bound to happen. You can’t help but wait for the impact.

Main reason why this comment sucks so bad:

Contradictory motives. Apparently I cling to people that disregard “every aspect of my being” (if you've been following this person's comments, that would be White people), which leads me to surmise that this commenter would rather I “cling” solely to other Black people. But then in the next sentence s/he admits s/he’s waiting to watch me crash. Isn’t that a total disregard for “my being” as well? And, commenter, arent... you... Black? So... what's with your perverse desire to not only WATCH a fellow person of color hurt, but to go COMPLETELY out of your way to contribute to it? So sickening.

But also:
Use of big words and fancy grammar to sound smart/bolster a point. Dude, you’re not fooling anyone.

And to top it off, the commenter displays:
Stalker tendencies. After countless awful comments, I did a quick glance at my basic analytics - and I’m speculating this commenter Googles my name at least 6 times a day (yeah, at this point I have NO problem calling him/her out on it). To spew rage all over my blog. Hi, that’s not normal.

The truth is, I’m not so much angry at this person. No, what PISSES ME OFF is having to, from now on, delete a reader’s comments. That’s not what bloggings all about, at all.

But frankly, this commenter has issues that run far deeper than I’d like to delve. And I don’t need such negativity in my own, personal space. That being said, I’ve gotta play brutal blogger and ban "nothavingit" from my court. So that's it. Goodbye. I hope you stop throwing punches at the wind and start smiling someday.

-Ryan ☺

Black man/White woman interracial relationships: Breaking down my judgment

Over the past couple months, I’ve been surrounding myself with people who all have something in common: they’re the least judgmental people I’ve ever known. They're: 1) unconditionally understanding and compassionate of any given situation – no matter how crazy, weird, or counter-culture it may be, and 2) TOTALLY open about their own lives, in all their outrageous and extreme glory.

How refreshing. To escape the “right” and “wrong”, “good” and “bad”, “black” and “white”.

Which brings me to my point.

During a conversation with one such non-shockable friend, the topic of interracial relationships arose. As I began discussing my own perceptions and thoughts on the subject, something became appallingly clear:

I am judgmental.

Here’s the bare-bones, no-holds-barred confession: I am shamefully judgmental of Black man/White woman interracial relationships. When I see such a couple, I immediately jump to the conclusion that the Black man is trying to prove something and the White woman is trying to piss off her family. I lump the couple into a category, with no desire to dig deeper or even accept their union.

So during this conversation, my friend commented, simply: “Why do you care what choices these other people are making?”

The remark struck me. Yes, why DO I care?  I've thought hard about this. I’m sure when my Black man/White woman aversion took shape, it sprung from jealousy. When I was a little girl, I never knew my true worth (what kid does?). I was so jealous all the time. Of White females, because, in my eyes, they’d always have something special in their pale skin that I could never have, no matter how straight I blow-dried my hair or how blond I dyed it. And of guys (all guys, but mostly Black guys), because they were always the most popular and the funniest… and most of them liked girls who weren’t boyish and gawky and frizzy-haired like me.

As time passed, I (seemingly) got over my childhood jealousies. But also, the “Black man/White woman relationship aversion” became almost second nature. An instinctual eye-roll. And coming from the Black girl who digs White guys… what a perfect storm of cutting irony.

So now I take a step back. I see many of my White girlfriends entering into wonderful, loving relationships with Black men. I see happiness and strength. And when I see a couple that I would generally stereotype cuddling on the subway or holding hands through Downtown Crossing, I really have to check myself. Why spend time passing judgment on things I don’t even try to understand? Why do I continuing to do this, with the roiling emotions of a 3rd-grader?

I've got it. The reality is that I’m NOT over my jealousies. And the problem exists in my own head, not the interracial union. Which is a tad upsetting, but also… again, refreshing.

Because I can’t understand all the complexities of others. But I can accept them. And, even better, I can bask in my God-given joy of delving deep and understanding my own complexities.

There's no place for judgment in self-discovery. So I'm kicking all those judgmental thoughts to the curb.

More musings on interracial relationships

I noticed a funny thing while visiting my family in D.C. for Christmas. Simply put: every female in the house (my mom and aunt, who are African-American, and me and my cousin, who are interracial) was either involved with or married to a White man.

Hmm…
That’s curious.

The truth is, the topic of interracial dating is always bubbling in the back of my mind. I went out on a limb and wrote a post about it some time ago on this blog, which got me into some deep water with a few of my readers (a disagreement that I haven’t fully resolved in my mind).

But just recently, the issue resurfaced during a conversation I had with a fellow blogger (a White male) about how personal Obama’s candidacy was to many Americans. I know, I know… interracial relationships? Obama? The two are linked, sure, but they don’t really go together. Which is what made the conversation so poignant.

My friend asked me whether or not Obama was well liked among the African-American side of my family.

“Of course!” I exclaimed. “My family has always held a fondness for Obama. But what truly won our hearts – well, mostly for my mother and aunt – was his marriage to a dark-skinned African-American woman.”

“Wow, really? Even though they’re both married to White men?” My friend was baffled. “That’s… strange.”

Before that point, I had never thought of it as strange at all. But maybe it is. And after that, a troubling question began creeping into my mind: do some Black women hold an interracial relationship double standard?

Most Black women who I am close with approve of, and even cheer on, a Black female/White male interracial relationship. But one that’s the other way around evokes a feeling far less warm and fuzzy. For example, if Obama had been married to a White woman… eek. I’m sure we wouldn’t have been as quick to embrace him (and actually, I’ve talked with men and women of every color about this hypothetical situation, all of whom expressed a similar “cringe” - perhaps a topic for a different post).

I’ve been trying to figure out WHY this is for some time. Talking with my family has helped a bit. My aunt, who grew up in the 50’s and 60’s during Jim Crow, gave me this bit of insight:

At age five, I knew I was black. (At that time in 1950, the term was "Negro.")  I also knew that "my kind" of black - luscious dark chocolate - was not valued one iota.  I was in that strata of folk to be relentlessly taunted and derided - the least desirable folk in the whole of the United States of America - BLACK-SKIN FEMALES. 

Being called ugly by my childhood peers - other Negroes - was an everyday experience. …At monthly dances, (wearing my prettiest felt skirts with the poodle-on-a-leash design and for-the-occasion "straightened" hair with ever-so-neat bangs and Shirley Temple curls) no boy ever asked me to dance. Not once. No boy ever asked me for a date.  No boy took me home to meet his family.  No boy would dare to be seen with me. Far to risky.

What we did to each other is 'our shame'.

I also spoke with my cousin a bit. She grew up in D.C. as well, only during the 80’s. She hung out with and dated Black guys, but oftentimes found that many of them were looking for something “not quite her”: long nails, thin straight hair, etc. Which is the façade that most of her female cohorts put on. But she wasn’t interested in pretending, and, interestingly, discovered that the few White guys she dated were much more eager to accept her as she was – thick bushy hair and all.

So what does this all have to do with Obama’s marriage to Michelle? He’s African-American, she’s African-American – no interracial relationship there.  So why was she the reason my family members so embraced his candidacy?

Well, it’s this—a simple statement voiced by my cousin at the end of our conversation that slid all the pieces in place:

“I guess we just love men who really love Black women.”

Wow. The conversation never had anything to do with men (of any color) and everything to do with women.  Black women.

So maybe we do hold a seemingly illogical but deeply personal double standard—one rooted in experiences that go back decades. From hearing about my grandmother’s experiences as a dark-skinned Black woman in the 30’s and 40’s to my aunt’s to my cousin’s to mine, I’ve grown an intense fondness for any man who appreciates a brown-skinned lady...

...and I’m half-White. Go figure.

Dating White guys and my beef with CNN’s Black in America

I DVRed CNN’s Black in America: The Black Woman and Family and watched it last night with a few other people. We all agreed that it was God-awful. The whole show went through all the problems with the “Black family” (whatever that means), and then included this asinine section about dating outside of one’s race. The basic jist: there are positively NO Black men for Black women to date, so some of them are even resorting to (wait for it) WHITE MEN. OH NO. The world is coming to an end.

I’ve been dating White men my whole life - so am I some kind of freak? It’s not like I was pushed to it out of desperation either. My first love was interracial, like me. We met in 2nd grade, and I loved him immediately. He moved to Kansas in 5th grade, then to Woodstock in 6th, and then to the Greene State Medium Security Penitentiary at the age of 17 – but we’ve remained close.

Since then, I’ve found myself deeply attracted to people who are my opposite (at least on the outside). I’ve been trying to figure out why for quite some time, and I think I’ve boiled it down to a few reasons. The first has to do with catcalling. I was an early bloomer and I remember, at the age of 11, being very uncomfortable walking past large groups of Black men (well, male teenagers). They’d always yell things at me or whistle or walk next to me. Not saying all Black guys do this, but on the whole Black men are much more vocal with their flirtation, and when I was young I really didn’t know how to handle it. I think this informed my early proclivity for White boys.

The second has to do with my family. Both my mom and my aunt (her sister) married White men. We’re a family of mixes and matches, of skin tones and hair products. I guess I always thought that was the norm. My dad was White, my uncle was White, my cousins were tan like me – that’s how it always was.

The third reason is a bit harder to explain. For some reason, I get this sentimental feeling deep down in my stomach when I see a Black woman and a White man together. Maybe it’s because I figure any White man has a relatively easy life in comparison to any Black person. But when he decides to enter into a relationship with a Black woman, he is immediately making his life (on the outside at least) just a little bit more complicated. Of course, the same can be said for the woman. They will both have to answer questions and endure the 2-seconds-too-long glance from virtually everyone they pass. But they’re both willing to answer the questions and stare back. Together. There’s something absolutely beautiful about that.

And on a purely personal level, star-crossed lovers – separated by age or location or race or gender or whatever else can keep two people apart – have forever fascinated me. I have a catalogue of movies in my head that feature such relationships, I rummage around in bookstores for such stories, and I have also yearned for a star-crossed ingredient in my relationships. A little extra element to push things into the realm of the sentimental. Something to make my heart ache, at least ever so slightly.

But that’s just me, of course.

So what really bothered me about this CNN Special Report? They chalked up the dating preferences of all Black women to logistics, pure and simple. Workplace, school, neighborhood, whatever. Here’s a tip to CNN: Black people are not some monolithic group that one can do a little study on and call it a day. Everyone has preferences (White people AND Black people AND everyone in between!), driven by a multitude of factors. Factors that include logistics, sure, but also include – dare I say it – feelings. Crazy, convoluted, tangled feelings.

So in the end, I’d like to say thanks but no thanks to CNN for this predictable and ice-in November-thin lab rat study.