Black women want their heads rubbed, too

Now that this week’s Oprah schedule is up on her site, I guess I can divulge which taping I attended (and if this isn’t supreme coincidence I don’t know what is): Chris Rock’s dish on his new documentary, “Good Hair”. In fact, we audience members attended the film’s North American film debut, right here in downtown Chicago.  

The show airs today, September 30th (set your DVRs!). But before it does, I’d like to comment on an issue that Rock discusses both in the film and during his visit with Oprah: the “no touch” rule when it comes to Black women’s hair (i.e. if you’re dating a Black woman, don’t even try to get near her head). According to Rock, Black men are “thirsty” to touch a head of hair, and Black women’s "keep away" policy causes intimacy issues.  

So I’ll venture this, and then explain: Black women’s scalps are equally parched from lack of attention. Yes, our hair is thirsty for love, too.  

Deeper than the “my hair will get messed up” mantra, I think the root of the problem lies in insecurity. And why not? Us women of color have always been taught that, in its natural state, our hair is not beautiful. So we hide behind weaves and wigs and relaxers, quite literally putting up a barriers between our scalps and the hands of others.  

At least in my experience, the fake-ification of my hair promoted my own hair insecurity. When I had a relaxer, my hair was never normal - but instead “oily” or “brittle” or “damaged”. It couldn’t get wet. It would break if I was – forced to – swim during PE. And oh, the lies I told my White friends back then! They’d ask, “How long does it take you to straighten your hair every morning?” I’d reply, “Oh, awhile.” Never letting on that I actually hadn’t washed it for 2 weeks. Because, in my mind, telling them that would make them think I was dirty (when in reality, it’s just not good to wash, blow dry, and hot iron relaxed hair very often). And so, when my first serious boyfriend didn’t want to rub my scalp because my hair was “too greasy”, I pretty much deemed my hair off-limits. It wasn’t that I didn’t want my head rubbed; it was more that I was ashamed.  And, quite honestly, having someone you care about halfheartedly rub your head for a second and then wipe off his hand on his jeans burns more than any relaxer on the shelf.  

Of course, these stories are from high school. I don’t have a relaxer anymore and I’m proud of my hair now, but I’ll be honest – the insecurity lingers. That’s why, even today, there are only a handful of people who I allow near my head. They’re the ones who I know are actually enjoying my hair. The ones I trust with all my insecurities. Because, as a woman of color, when someone rubs your head you’re completely dropping your guard, thus putting your complete SELF into their hands. It can be sensual, but definitely not by definition. It’s love (think Celie "scratching the song" out of Shug's head in "The Color Purple").

It's sacred.  

So back to Chris Rock and men not being allowed to touch Black women’s hair. My advice: If you’re a man and you’re with a Black woman, offer to give her a legit scalp massage. Say you’ll be careful not to mess up her hair – all you want is for her to lay down and close her eyes and relax. She may turn you down, but believe me, the offer will light her up.

Comments

[aron ranen]

Please take a moment to check out my documentary film BLACK HAIR

It is free at youtube. 6 parts including an update from London, England.

It explores the Korean Take-over of the Black Beauty Supply and Hair biz..

The current situation makes it hard to believe that Madame C.J. Walker once ran the whole thing.

I am not a hater, I am a motivator.

Plus I am a White guy who stumbled upon this, and felt it was so wrong I had to make a film about it.

self-funded film, made from the heart.

Can it be taken back?

Link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p96aaTSdrAE

[Shamontiel]

I couldn't relate when Chris Rock said that black men are not allowed in a woman's scalp. Maybe it's because I've had several guys run their fingers through my hair, fascinated that it was shoulder length and not a weave (as if black women can't have their hair naturally grow long). But I let people run their fingers through my hair sparingly for a different reason...it's an aphrodisiac for me. While they think I'm jumping away because I don't want to get my hair messed up, it's more like I want to keep my clothes on. *laughing* However, his reaction and fascination to Oprah's hair being real was VERY VERY true. I can't count the number of dropped mouths to find out my hair was all mine.

[Kendra]

I am so sick of Chris Rock and his beef with the black woman. First we didn't suck enough dick! Then we complain too much! Then we too bossy (he actually referenced Michelle Obama). Now it's that we spend too much on our hair! His beef is that we didn't want him when his teeth were bad and don't want him now! So he keeps picking with the Strong Black Woman!

[Aiyo]

I was hoping the movie would debunk a lot of myths and sterotypes but i’m kind of weary about the film now. Especially after that slave reference he made to Oprah, joke or not still irked me the way everyone laughed (and he wonders why his daughters asked him the question)

Also after seeing clips of the Oprah show and him acting so damn surprised that it was all her hair really baffled me, did he really believe that black women can’t have long hair because if he did then that is stupid if our hair didn’t grow like humans then explain people with drealocks? I guess he just assumed all of them were weaves becuase I have got weaved checked when I’m rocking a afro or a straight do.

And the “Are you mixed?” questions are just annoying I don’t think the film wil have a in depth look though since he said that he didn’t want to use the footage that focused on natural hair because it wasn’t “entertaining enough”.

Anyway back to the subject I have let my boyfriend run my hands through my hair I don't mind people I'm cool with touching my hair but if I don't know you then don't touch me I don't even like people sitting next to me on the bus. LOL.

But you know if one of us does something then its all of us right we are all judged by what one or a few groups of women do, and that just A-Okay (sarcasm)

[Sharon Huxford]

My husband rubs my forehead and scalp all the time :)

[AJ]

I like to stress my that I think the breakdown of the black family can be directly linked to the image the black man shamefully maintains over his own women. Women who look like his mother and sisters that he suddenly finds unappealing. We find them following the more accepted notion of beauty, often perpetuated in the media that ‘lighter is brighter is better.’ Case in point, the beyonces of our generation. Its not so much as this war with white women anymore But instead I find that that I’ve had to battle with my own community growing up with the hopes of being considered just as pretty and acceptable as the lighter versions of myself walking around. And to a 16 year old girl who hadn’t grown into her nose yet, it was not easy. But we see it everywhere, the dark skinned chick just isn’t held up to the same standards as her lighter counterpart. And for many of us, this is where weaves come into play. It's more socially accepted and often links us closer to white or lighter skinned women. It’s a shame but its not an issue I find the need to ponder over cause my man loves every bone in my little black body and I find enough beauty within myself to not care about what sort of mindset the ignorant are engaged in. But I'm human and I've battled for a long time over the issue of why I wore weaves, extensions perms, etc for a long time. Then Chris Rock's movie came out and my boyfriend wanted to open the floodgates (he's mixed by the way and I'm like, "dude, you never had nappy hair in your life, fall back) But I listened and finally, after about two years took out my weave (still gone and it feels so gooood and went natural..this part I hated and went back to a perm) But, my decision to bring my perm back was of my own choice and a damn good one (um, broken combs/ my cat hissing at me; not a good look) I finally realized, after being unhappy with how my hair looked that I was being silly to change myself simply because of a movie or person trying to tell me I'm not black enough. And I find a lot of women defending our actions as our own and that Chris Rock just had no right. The crazy things we do to our hair our own crazy things and for many of us, its merely just hair and something to enjoy and experiment with. Child, we’ve been arguing the deeper meaning of relaxers to lace front since the first hot comb was invented. It’s an issue that will always be a hot topic and that’s ok. Discussions like these allow for everyone to learn a little more about each other. Anyway, whether it be fros, weaves, perms or ponytails...to me its all beauty.

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