I broke up with Facebook

As if going through a break-up isn’t hard enough, now we have to experience it all double-time online.

When I got defriended by him, my heart sank. And then, when his relationship status changed from “In A Relationship” to “Single”, something inside of me died. Just a couple clicks of the mouse, a few taps of the ‘ol keypad, and suddenly…  1) My life has been “redefined” and 2) Everyone knows about it. Which is silly, right? It’s all “virtual”, right? I mean really, such weight we put on the little broken heart icon Facebook uses to symbolize a broken relationship.

But see, the problem is, that stupid icon gets broadcasted to everyone—and, in the end, this ridiculous piece of crap broken heart icon is the thing that sums up the 4.5 years you’ve spent giving your actual heart to the person you’ve loved all these years.

I just could not do it. I could not allow an icon define all the complexities of my botched relationship. It felt so petty somehow. So, instead of following suit and letting all of my acquaintances, co-workers, friends-of-friends, middle-school classmates, etc. in on my excruciating break-up, I called it quits.

I deactivated my account. 

I think it’s better this way. Judging from the amount of time I spent/wasted on the site – not to mention the eminent harmful ramifications of one click, one “new life” picture uploaded, one drunken wall message posted – I think it’s safe to say the relationship became unhealthy.

Maybe we can work it out. Maybe with distance will come understanding. Or acceptance. But, for now, I can’t feel anything past the twists in my stomach. So, for now, Facebook will have to remain something everyone else is raving about. A little bit like love, I guess.

Comments

[Ron Newman]

This is such a sad thing to read ;-(

[Nikki]

I'm of the age and generation which doesn't do much facebooking, though I've got a few friends who do. Seems wise to end the relationship with FB. Actually, it's probably something I wished were around when some of my youthful relationships ended. Would have been a good way to make it clear that I was moving on -- especially to me. Best wishes to you, Girlfriend.

[P-daddy]

You did so much more than merely deactivate your Facebook account, Ryan. With this blog you told a story that exposed some of the spurious links between love and technology. Because I think you are right: even though that little icon reaches the Facebook masses, it is merely a superficial message about a person's feelings and troubles. It is broadcasted to the masses but offers no context about the significance of a relationship to another human being. It is an emotionless message that relates no feelings and offers no real consolation (or so I would think). You, on the other hand, used the same techology he did, one capable of reaching the Web masses. Only you told a story. And your story, brief as it is, is one that offers context, depth of feeling, and, I greatly hope, some much needed solace.

[Nikki]

Lovely comment, P-daddy. And I agree wholeheartedly. I should clarify that I believe that breaking up with FB rather than using FB's icon to broadcast an end to a long relationship would have been the way I would have handled moving on, had the technology been around. Good move, Girlfriend.

[Jred]

I just love this blog. I love the language you used to describe what so many feel and have been through but couldn't put into words themselves. You write beautifully!

[hoon]

is this the beginning of the end for Facebook?

as my grandmother used to say (loose Korean translation) "there's a lot of fish in the sea to pickle"

[Kate]

Ryan, a touching, amazing post; and, I couldn't agree more. Stay healthy and beautiful in your new life free of FB, and best of luck.

[Debby]

Ryan,

You are on to something, and you wrote it well too. Maybe the FB-obsessed will start to realize that EVRYTHING they say, do and think minute by minute is not of such extraordinary value that they need to keep the public posted at all times.

[kasey]

I came across this blog as am looking to deactivate my facebook account - my husband and I are separating and I am not coping with the idea myself let alone broadcasting it to 300 "acquaintances". I also don't want to leave it there either. Can anyone tell me what his relationship status will default to if I deactivate? ie will it appear on the newsfeed our relationship has ended? I need more time before telling the world and feel our relationship was worth more than others finding out that way too.

[Chela]

Beautifully expressed, as always. I hope you are able to move past the twists in your stomach soon. Endings are always difficult. As an FYI (also for Debby who posted a comment), you can change your privacy settings on FB so that while someone who goes to your actual page might see your new relationship status, it will not show up on everyone's page. I use FB to keep in touch with friends and family, but I've unchecked every single box for what FB can show in other people's News Feeds. I don't like living my life on blast either. Wishing you the best!

[RyanB]

Hi guys -
Thanks so much for all the support and kind words. Ugh... this stuff is so hard...

Kasey: I don't think anything about your relationship status will be on your newsfeed if you deactivate your account. Your profile will just disappear, essentially. But it won't get broadcasted to everyone.

[Ryan E]

Ryan,

I just read your post, and I went through the exact same thing, I mean what you said was the exact thing that I went through that caused me so much pain and emotional torture...thanks for being strong enough to say that, FB isnt worth it at all...good luck with everything...

Ryan E

[Grace]

I can identify with what your saying. I felt trepidition getting involved in the first place. I still do.