More musings on interracial relationships

I noticed a funny thing while visiting my family in D.C. for Christmas. Simply put: every female in the house (my mom and aunt, who are African-American, and me and my cousin, who are interracial) was either involved with or married to a White man.

Hmm…
That’s curious.

The truth is, the topic of interracial dating is always bubbling in the back of my mind. I went out on a limb and wrote a post about it some time ago on this blog, which got me into some deep water with a few of my readers (a disagreement that I haven’t fully resolved in my mind).

But just recently, the issue resurfaced during a conversation I had with a fellow blogger (a White male) about how personal Obama’s candidacy was to many Americans. I know, I know… interracial relationships? Obama? The two are linked, sure, but they don’t really go together. Which is what made the conversation so poignant.

My friend asked me whether or not Obama was well liked among the African-American side of my family.

“Of course!” I exclaimed. “My family has always held a fondness for Obama. But what truly won our hearts – well, mostly for my mother and aunt – was his marriage to a dark-skinned African-American woman.”

“Wow, really? Even though they’re both married to White men?” My friend was baffled. “That’s… strange.”

Before that point, I had never thought of it as strange at all. But maybe it is. And after that, a troubling question began creeping into my mind: do some Black women hold an interracial relationship double standard?

Most Black women who I am close with approve of, and even cheer on, a Black female/White male interracial relationship. But one that’s the other way around evokes a feeling far less warm and fuzzy. For example, if Obama had been married to a White woman… eek. I’m sure we wouldn’t have been as quick to embrace him (and actually, I’ve talked with men and women of every color about this hypothetical situation, all of whom expressed a similar “cringe” - perhaps a topic for a different post).

I’ve been trying to figure out WHY this is for some time. Talking with my family has helped a bit. My aunt, who grew up in the 50’s and 60’s during Jim Crow, gave me this bit of insight:

At age five, I knew I was black. (At that time in 1950, the term was "Negro.")  I also knew that "my kind" of black - luscious dark chocolate - was not valued one iota.  I was in that strata of folk to be relentlessly taunted and derided - the least desirable folk in the whole of the United States of America - BLACK-SKIN FEMALES. 

Being called ugly by my childhood peers - other Negroes - was an everyday experience. …At monthly dances, (wearing my prettiest felt skirts with the poodle-on-a-leash design and for-the-occasion "straightened" hair with ever-so-neat bangs and Shirley Temple curls) no boy ever asked me to dance. Not once. No boy ever asked me for a date.  No boy took me home to meet his family.  No boy would dare to be seen with me. Far to risky.

What we did to each other is 'our shame'.

I also spoke with my cousin a bit. She grew up in D.C. as well, only during the 80’s. She hung out with and dated Black guys, but oftentimes found that many of them were looking for something “not quite her”: long nails, thin straight hair, etc. Which is the façade that most of her female cohorts put on. But she wasn’t interested in pretending, and, interestingly, discovered that the few White guys she dated were much more eager to accept her as she was – thick bushy hair and all.

So what does this all have to do with Obama’s marriage to Michelle? He’s African-American, she’s African-American – no interracial relationship there.  So why was she the reason my family members so embraced his candidacy?

Well, it’s this—a simple statement voiced by my cousin at the end of our conversation that slid all the pieces in place:

“I guess we just love men who really love Black women.”

Wow. The conversation never had anything to do with men (of any color) and everything to do with women.  Black women.

So maybe we do hold a seemingly illogical but deeply personal double standard—one rooted in experiences that go back decades. From hearing about my grandmother’s experiences as a dark-skinned Black woman in the 30’s and 40’s to my aunt’s to my cousin’s to mine, I’ve grown an intense fondness for any man who appreciates a brown-skinned lady...

...and I’m half-White. Go figure.

Comments

[msday]

People are so delusional when it comes to their perception of Obama. Everyone says that they are happy that he is married to a dark skinned black woman however they forget that he is a man who was raised in and around whiteness. There is nothing magical about white women when you have been raised around them. Unlike an African American man who feels that a white woman is akin to a golden goose, Barack more than likely lived with alienation due to his brown skin. One would think he would seek someone he felt a kindred spirit-dark skinned intelligent Michelle.

[Dating For Today's Man]

A lot of black women in the '80's and '90's had this thing that they didn't want a dark-skinned man and would only date a light-skinned one with pretty eyes and good hair. So after so many dark-skinned men were ignored and passed up over the years, why should they be looked down upon when they turn to other races of women for affection. If these mentioned black women didn't want us, why should they care when women of other races do?

[Interracial Dating]

Although there are still some challenges even in this day and age, interracial relationships can be successful and enriching. Although some Black women are very beautiful and very accomplished, there are a lot that act very ghetto, only want to date gangsters and run good black men off. There is good and bad in every race.

[Mojabba]

I don't think ALL dark-skinned women are looked down on. This is a myth, The cold fact is that tall dark-skinned women with nice figures have always been at a premium in the black community. Think singer Kelly Rowland as a prototype:
http://yourmusicmyworld.com/wp-content/uploads/kelly-rowland.jpg

or think the tall, curvaceous Serena Williams. Or think model Gabrielle Union.
http://i46.tinypic.com/258w740.jpg

Or why is it that black men spend hours surfing for curvaceous (non obese) shapely women in revealing outfits, and appreciate them dark skin and all. Does anyone really believe that if these women were short, dumpy and light-skinned, they would attract so many male eyeballs?

Black men generally value such women, over and above some plain or chubby light-skinner. Contrary to popular myth, black men don;t automatically run after light skin. It is nothing special without other things. Black men want much more. A skinny plain white blond does not automatically get some sort of special edge, nor some 'red' woman of plain description. No flags are automatically run up for them. Give black men more credit than that.

It is the dark-skinned women who are less favored physically (like plain women of all races) who have the most trouble. I think that distinction needs to be made clear. Tall, slender and/or athletic build, non-obese gorgeous dark-skinned women like Kelly Rowland rarely lack for male attention, and that includes many white men (not all but many) as well, who will go for her, as opposed to some plain chubby blond. Let's be honest here. Age of course is a factor- with younger women naturally having an edge.

For the old school, the same pattern applies. Dark-skinned Pearl Bailey for example was tall and well built, and never lacked for male attention. There is no "man shortage" or "shortage of black males" for such women, prior to the ravages of age taking over. Now many women not getting attention lament that they are attractive but the key is not that THEY consider themselves attractive, it is what the MEN think, that determines who gets asked out for a date and who doesn't.