Interracial dating and support between Black women

Found this lifestyle piece on CNN today: 'Could Mr. Right be white?' More black women consider 'dating out'. Of course, being the product of a Black woman-White man relationship, this topic is of poignant interest to me.

The piece discusses Black women’s loyalty to Black men, and how just recently they (we) are beginning to see dating outside the race as a viable option. The article goes into particular detail about the romantic interest conflict between Black men and Black women:

“'I think a lot of black women are realizing or feeling that the pickings are slim,’ [Roslyn Holcomb] said.

They're made even slimmer, grumble many black women, by high rates of successful black men choosing blondes. For some, they argue, white wives are the ultimate status symbol.

…But black men are voicing their own frustrations with women they feel regard them with suspicion. …It's a frustration director Tim Alexander tackles in "Diary of a Tired Black Man," a frank film covering everything from black women's demeanors to their weight. Frustrated by black women, the main character dates a white one.”

But is it really the "datable" Black men, few and far between, dating blondes, and/or frustrated with Black women, that keep us from expanding our options? I think not.

So here’s a little tale I'd like to share:
I’m walking down the street in NYC’s Lower East Side after a night out with my man. We are holding hands and giggling, as we normally do… because being around each other just makes us giddy, I suppose.

We approach a Black woma n, probably about 25, walking with a White friend of hers. They are laughing and bouncing around like old friends happy to be in each other’s company. She smiles at me and says, “Now you, you are gorgeous.”

Wow! How nice! I smile back and start to say, “Well thank you, and so are you,” when she turns to my man and says, “And you, you are ugly.”

Now let me just say this now. Even someone needing the thickest bifocals can see that my boyfriend is 100% pure Ukrainian stud. He’s – well – he’s beautiful. I say this because I love him to death and because it’s absolutely true.

I’m still smiling, but it’s an awkward remnant of a smile that spilled over from her earlier compliment. I’m surprised, confused, bewildered. I also think she might be joking. So I chuckle and little, and my boyfriend asks her what she means.

“You’re walking with a beautiful Black woman. And you’re ugly. You’re ugly because you’re White,” she says, still smiling as if she’s said nothing but the obvious.

My boyfriend, completely dumbfounded, stumbles back a few steps as if he’s been hit in the jaw. I stare at her incredulously. The best my poor boyfriend could come up with was, “Well… you’re ugly too.” And me… well I was so shocked that I just froze up.

We walked home and I just kept kicking myself for not saying or doing something more. What a chump I was. I kept thinking, “How could that have been real? How could a peer, who is walking with a White friend, say this to me? To the man I love? To a human being?” It seemed too over the top to be real, but unfortunately it was. Three cocktails was all it took for this girl to really show her true colors.

And so my point is this. The whole interracial dating topic is not just Black man versus Black woman conflict. It’s even more internal than that. It’s us—our girlfriends, or workplace diversity group colleagues, our aunts, our cousins.

Sisters need to support one another’s values and choices, whether it’s a question of another sister’s profession, how she wears her hair, or whom she chooses to love. Though a strong woman can succeed in life even under the harshest of criticism, how can we really thrive without the backing of our base?

Comments

[Luc Debaisieux]

What a touching story, Ryan. I'm sorry about this, really. It makes me think about Antoine de St Exupery and his "Little Prince":

"The only way to see well is to look with your heart... The essential is invisible for the eyes".

I wish more people could "see" that way.

http://boekenmagazijn.nl/kinderboeken/allerlei/LePetitPrince_AntoineDeSaintExupery.jpg

[Lori Magno]

People can be damn fools. How sad to not be able to see the love "in the air" before seeing the color of skin. Sadder still to go out of the way to hurt someone. I hope the pain has passed and your sassy joy has returned.

[c.n. keach]

You don't really know what demons people are wrestling with when they suddenly lash out at a stranger. Imagine this: the woman just broke up with her friend's brother after a long and very (she thought) fulfilling coupla years. Turns out the guy was duplicitous, not so nice, a dog.
OK, just a story made up to explain away a very bizarre occurence. You're right, thought, it's not just a case of simmering suspicion between black men and women. I know tons of Black women who've been in long long marriages with their which husbands, and who still bristle when they encounter interracial couples. Go figure.

[c.n. keach]

You don't really know what demons people are wrestling with when they suddenly lash out at a stranger. Imagine this: the woman just broke up with her friend's brother after a long and very (she thought) fulfilling coupla years. Turns out the guy was duplicitous, not so nice, a dog.
OK, just a story made up to explain away a very bizarre occurence. You're right, thought, it's not just a case of simmering suspicion between black men and women. I know tons of Black women who've been in long long marriages with their which husbands, and who still bristle when they encounter interracial couples. Go figure.

[John]

That was one stupid girl you two had to deal with. Not only stupid, but racist besides. Wonder what her white friend was thinking during all that?

[Raquel]

Now that was funny! Not because she called your man ugly, but I bet that was a little shocker for the both of you. How sweet it must be to have a man who treats you good, someone who you can grow with-for now, or for the future as well. In California, people mind their business and are less tolerable to what others have to say. When I see a black woman with a white man, inside I am saying 'Go Sister Go!'. Sometimes jealousy can get the best of people.

[No Nonsense]

Honey,
I have been happily married for 5 years to wonderful Russian man and I ignore the looks and snide remarks. The only thing that still makes me bristle is when someone (usually a black woman) greats my child as "Brown skinned" or 'brown baby". I still make the effort to say his name is "so & so" It drives me nuts! Why can't they just say cutie or handsome. But his skin color--good god

[Strength/Courage/Wisdom]

I'm new here and I discovered you through Afrobella. Great blog, btw! That was really rude of that woman to say that to you and your bf. Good for you for not stooping to her level. From this account, it seems like she was the only ugly one in that conversation.

[invisible woman]

I do wish that more of the black community would work together and maybe this color thing would come to an end because love for one another would shine through.........We have been conditioned and told so long how unattractive we (the black commuinty) are....that alot of us believe this.........it is wrong for any person to be ugly to another person (no matter the color)...........I do understand your friends feelings because I have had my feelings hurt from some blackmen........I was told I am not good enough to date/marry because when you look at me you see blackness....and my children would not be pretty or accepted.......I do not hate blackmen because of this nor the ones that said it to me......I have put them in prayer as I put everyone/everything else.......Put God first and things will turn out right

Peace & Blessings

[James Morris]

Something new is something good. You cant just say you wont go out with a white dude because he aint black. I mean, you dont just dismiss someone based on color. We judge too quickly and that has cost many people a chance of real happiness. And I think black women or women who were against interracial dating and are now considering it are realizing that. They have decided to give a chance to love ... love that is more than skin deep.

[Dating Advice For Men]

Great information. Will love to read more. My subscribers would like this info as well.

[Erica]

It's unfortunate in these situations that you cannot control what other people say. Once you are in a relationship that fulfils you on so many levels, then that is what is most important. I support any sister who has found a man who supports them mind, body and soul. I salute you.

[Sarah L]

It is outrageous to hear what kind of ignorance you have to deal with ona daily basis. Why is it that ignorance always goes hand in hand with anger and rudeness?