CheapThrills

Black women want their heads rubbed, too

Now that this week’s Oprah schedule is up on her site, I guess I can divulge which taping I attended (and if this isn’t supreme coincidence I don’t know what is): Chris Rock’s dish on his new documentary, “Good Hair”. In fact, we audience members attended the film’s North American film debut, right here in downtown Chicago.  

The show airs today, September 30th (set your DVRs!). But before it does, I’d like to comment on an issue that Rock discusses both in the film and during his visit with Oprah: the “no touch” rule when it comes to Black women’s hair (i.e. if you’re dating a Black woman, don’t even try to get near her head). According to Rock, Black men are “thirsty” to touch a head of hair, and Black women’s "keep away" policy causes intimacy issues.  

So I’ll venture this, and then explain: Black women’s scalps are equally parched from lack of attention. Yes, our hair is thirsty for love, too.  

Deeper than the “my hair will get messed up” mantra, I think the root of the problem lies in insecurity. And why not? Us women of color have always been taught that, in its natural state, our hair is not beautiful. So we hide behind weaves and wigs and relaxers, quite literally putting up a barriers between our scalps and the hands of others.  

At least in my experience, the fake-ification of my hair promoted my own hair insecurity. When I had a relaxer, my hair was never normal - but instead “oily” or “brittle” or “damaged”. It couldn’t get wet. It would break if I was – forced to – swim during PE. And oh, the lies I told my White friends back then! They’d ask, “How long does it take you to straighten your hair every morning?” I’d reply, “Oh, awhile.” Never letting on that I actually hadn’t washed it for 2 weeks. Because, in my mind, telling them that would make them think I was dirty (when in reality, it’s just not good to wash, blow dry, and hot iron relaxed hair very often). And so, when my first serious boyfriend didn’t want to rub my scalp because my hair was “too greasy”, I pretty much deemed my hair off-limits. It wasn’t that I didn’t want my head rubbed; it was more that I was ashamed.  And, quite honestly, having someone you care about halfheartedly rub your head for a second and then wipe off his hand on his jeans burns more than any relaxer on the shelf.  

Of course, these stories are from high school. I don’t have a relaxer anymore and I’m proud of my hair now, but I’ll be honest – the insecurity lingers. That’s why, even today, there are only a handful of people who I allow near my head. They’re the ones who I know are actually enjoying my hair. The ones I trust with all my insecurities. Because, as a woman of color, when someone rubs your head you’re completely dropping your guard, thus putting your complete SELF into their hands. It can be sensual, but definitely not by definition. It’s love (think Celie "scratching the song" out of Shug's head in "The Color Purple").

It's sacred.  

So back to Chris Rock and men not being allowed to touch Black women’s hair. My advice: If you’re a man and you’re with a Black woman, offer to give her a legit scalp massage. Say you’ll be careful not to mess up her hair – all you want is for her to lay down and close her eyes and relax. She may turn you down, but believe me, the offer will light her up.

A closer look at Disney's first Black princess

Disney's The Princess And The Frog trailer hit the web last night (don't watch if you don't want to see spoilers). It gave me goosebumps, sure, BUT!

So maybe I was expecting too much... but I was kinda hoping Disney's first Black princess would actually remain Black throughout the whole film.

Ack. Oh well. It's just a trailer. And the prince pre-frog transformation is kinda hot (I've always had a thing for Disney princes). So I'm still excited to see the flick. How 'bout you?

More: It Ain't Cool

Mad Men's Joan Holloway: Jessica Rabbit reincarnate?

Oh, Joan Holloway. Clearly everyone’s attracted to you. Even straight women. Even me. And I think I’ve discovered the reason why. You are the character who shaped my youth. The one whose super-slitted red dress I’d always try to find for my dress-up bin. The one whose pursing lips and smoky voice I’d impersonate with my friends. The one whose sashaying, high-heeled walk I’d imitate down the halls of my apartment.

You are Jessica Rabbit.

Obviously, Who Framed Roger Rabbit's Jessica Rabbit oozed sex. But not in a vapid, Playboy Bunny sort of way. There was always something more to her. Something captivating and calculating and titillating and tragic all at the same time. Let’s look at some of those Jessica/Joan similarities that push the characters into the realm of the untouchable ultra-babe.

1. The feminine figure. Men do it all the time. They embrace their masculinity at the workplace as a source of power—whether it’s in a meeting or on a conference call. Women, on the other hand, cover up  their natural feminine qualities with hunched shoulders and pipsqueak-ed voices. Joan and Jessica? No way. They push femininity to its peak by accentuating the attributes many women try to hide. They walk chest first. They talk in their natural low, raspy voice. While most women (myself included) try on an outfit and then ask whether or not it makes their boobs/butt look too big, Jessica and Joan wonder if it makes their curves look too small - and if so, out the window the outfit goes! 
2. The know-how. From the real world to Toon Town, Jessica Rabbit could play the game better than anyone else. She held all the keys, she knew all the answers—effectively, Jessica was the center of the action… all masked in a sly side-smirk and a sleepy gaze. Similarly, Joan rules Sterling Cooper. Without her, the whole operation would fall apart. And even when she's tasked to help out in the T.V. department, she's, as Boston.com points out, a natural. And not because she's playing by the "male" rules. But rather, because she creates her own.
3. The vamp red. It takes a lot of chutzpa to full-on rock out with your red out, because peeps LOVE to hate on redheads. There's even a term for it: Gingerism. How do Joan and Jessica respond to this? Red hair. Red lipstick. Red dress. Red shoes. Red cheeks. Red, red, red. In your face haters!
4. The dudes. What do I love most about these two? They don’t swoon for the typical hearththrobs. Joan behind-the-scenes dated a few of the Sterling Cooper guys, but she’s never so much as winked at hunk-of-the-office Don Draper. And as for Jessica… well she baked carrot cakes for hubby Roger Rabbit. ‘Nuff said.

Related:

What Would Joan Holloway Do?

MSNBC: Men Rule - At Least, in the Workplace

iVillage: How to dress sexy without looking slutty

Ryan's media diet

David Reich—PR guru, author of the blog my 2 cents, and friend—tagged me to answer a seemingly simple question started by C.B. Wittemore: What’s your media diet? Ok David, you asked for it… my response might be a little disturbing.

First of all, I don’t read print newspapers. Like, ever. Unless I’m visiting my father, who has been saving important Philadelphia Inquirer papers since the early 90’s (for context, he’s a Professor of Mass. Comm.).

But I do read books. Lots of them. I try to read at least a book a month – usually a memoir. I always keep a book in my bag just in case I get stuck somewhere… you know, to fend off any imminent boredom.

During my 10-minute commute to work, I generally like to read, listen to music, or watch video content on my iPod. Sometimes I spend the whole time creating a killer On-The-Go playlist for the ride home.

Once I’m in front of my computer, I first open my work e-mail and read through everything. Always. Then I open the windows that will remain minimized in the background of my screen for the whole day: GMail, CNN, the New York Times Caucus blog, Huffington Post (ooo, it updates itself! What fun!), Ben Smith's Politico blog, AdAge, Jezebel. Then I read through my MediaPost Digital Marketing daily and scan the industry news. And then I go back to my “always on” sites and scan them for any interesting articles or threads.

Then I check all my bookmarked blogs for new content (about 30 in total – and actually, I probably check them every 3 hours). If a headline catches my eye, I’ll follow the link to the blog post itself and read the whole thing, along with the comments. Sometimes I will post a comment of my own.

If any interesting post or thread comes up on Jezebel during the day, I will usually comment. The cool thing about Jezebel is that all comment threads are conversations, not just one-liners or “FIRSTT!?!?!” type of comments. It’s great – like an ongoing convo with a bunch of friends going on all throughout the day.

At the end of the day, I put in my earbuds (headphones) and walk to the bus. If I can help it, I try not to bring my laptop home. Too much laptop is a bad thing.

But when I get home, I turn on the television. Usually to CNN. I’m kind of obsessed with CNN’s “Best Political Team on Television” – I think they’re smart, but I also like to try to figure out all the team’s behind-the-scene politics. I’m sure there’s a ton. I also like to watch MSNBC – Olbermann is the man, and it’s always fun to catch Pat Buchanan say something terribly, oh what’s the word, racist?

I’m not gonna lie, I also watch MTV and VH1 shows. If there’s an America’s Next Top Model marathon playing on a Sunday, I’ll be glued to the tube for hours. I also love CW programming – Gossip Girl rocks my world (umm, last night’s show?! What the hell?!?!?).

When it comes to movies, my first choice would be to view a film on the big screen. I try to see most of the films nominated for Oscars while they’re still being played at that the cinemas. Watching movies on DVD is second choice, and then on-demand would be the third – unless it’s a craptacular old movie like Mystic Pizza. Then I’m all about the Free Movies on Demand (thanks Comcast!).

What else? I don’t use the Internet on my mobile phone. That might make me lame or behind the curve, but I don’t care. I don’t want the Internet following me around wherever I go like a stalker. Sometimes I use the wireless on my iPod Touch… but only when I NEED to Google something and it can’t wait – to settle little disputes with friends, for example.

I watch TV while I run at the gym. If nothing good is on TV, I have trouble staying on the treadmill for more than 10 minutes. But if there’s some crazy E! True Hollywood story playing, I can go for miles.

I don’t shop online. I find it tedious and tiresome. Totally defeats the purpose of shopping, in my opinion.

I blog whenever I feel that I need to. Usually 4 times a week. But I’ve always got a long list of blog topic ideas and an actual post or two I’m working on. At all times.

When it comes down to it, I think I’m a blog gal. I read blogs more than I read mainstream media, I interact with blogs more than I interact with other types of social media platforms (Facebook has gotten SOOOO BORING), I share opinions on blogs more than I share “editor’s pick” type of recommendations. Does that make me crazy? Or just terribly bleeding edge? You decide.

Since this is a meme, let’s hear from Greg Verdino, who’s been living in the social media landscape for ages now, and Arun Rajagopal, who blogs the marketing dish from Oman.

Living in common—is it Beyond Belief? This documentary says no, and so does Ryan

I had the pleasure of screening the documentary Beyond Belief last Saturday night at Boston's Museum of Fine Arts. Director Beth Murphy followed the lives of two Bostonian women, Susan and Patti, whose husbands were victims of the September 11th attacks. Both widowed women had young children—and babies on the way.

Yet despite the obvious despair of it all, Susan and Patti decided to use their grief for good. They channeled their commonalities—mother, widower, survivor—to create Beyond the 11th, an charitable foundation focused on raising money for other widows. What makes this initiative so fundamentally different, and, in turn, so inspirational? Beyond the 11th supports widows from Afghanistan, the training ground of Susan and Patti’s husbands’ murderers.

I’ve been thinking a lot about shared experiences lately. Now more than ever, it seems that people are sick of defining themselves by their differences. Because really, focusing on differences and pain points without taking time to recognize similarities breeds frustration. And anger. And then there you are, carrying around a big cloud of steam that’s constantly burning through your body and erupting through your words—or your fists, or your trigger finger.

Susan and Patti’s story has made me sit back and question what similarities I might share with people who are defined as my “enemy” (whatever that means…).  Here are a few things I know about myself:

• I love those hot summer days when clouds suddenly fill the sky and burst all over the ground for ten minutes, then give way to a crystal blue sky.
• I’m horrified and overwhelmingly disturbed by the details of pregnancy (um, particularly the delivery part), and the only thing that gives me a brief moment of comfort is the thought of kissing my baby’s soft little pudgy feet.
• Whenever I think about my parents getting older, even if it's only for 30 seconds, my eyes well up and my heard skips beats.
• I can watch an entire movie just by listening to the soundtrack.

Sure, these are just little tidbits, but I wonder if I share them with, say, a woman from Rio? A white man from Georgia? A young professional from Tokyo? Or even a co-worker, from the next cube over?

If Susan and Patti, two women who endured such heavy blows, could flip the conversation into one focused on shared experience and common purpose, I’m confident that we can do the same here in the U.S. Or anywhere. Personally, I’m sick of being boxed in. Of not smiling at someone on the street because I assume they’re judging me. Of hearing about all the things that make Americans vastly different from every other group of people on the globe. People are people are people.

Just a few off-the-cuff notes and observations from the screening:

• Director Beth Murphy, founder of Principle Pictures, has been directing, producing, and reporting for documentaries and television & radio news for 18 years. She’s also a BU alum (like me!) and has a fierce fashion sense.
• Beth, Susan, Patti, cinematorgraphers Kevin Belli and Sean Flynn, and soundtrack composer Evren Celimli were all in attendance and answered a plethora of questions. Not only was it a pleasure to see Susan and Patti’s beautiful smiles in person, but it was also quite uplifting to see three men contribute so greatly to the project.
• I didn’t realize that women are still wearing burqas in Afghanistan. Watching them float through crowds like ghosts made my heard sink. I also didn’t know that Afghan widows must leave behind their children if they wish to remarry. Very upsetting stuff.
• Beyond Belief… the name of the film is still flipping around in my head. What does it mean? Beyond believing in anything? The situation was beyond belief? Susan and Patti took the notion of belief to a new level? Perhaps I can find out what the director had in mind… but in the meantime, what do you think?

Be sure to check out the trailer.

And more information from the MFA on showtimes and tickets.

Showings begin Saturday, March 1, at 12pm.