CheapThrills

I broke up with Facebook

As if going through a break-up isn’t hard enough, now we have to experience it all double-time online.

When I got defriended by him, my heart sank. And then, when his relationship status changed from “In A Relationship” to “Single”, something inside of me died. Just a couple clicks of the mouse, a few taps of the ‘ol keypad, and suddenly…  1) My life has been “redefined” and 2) Everyone knows about it. Which is silly, right? It’s all “virtual”, right? I mean really, such weight we put on the little broken heart icon Facebook uses to symbolize a broken relationship.

But see, the problem is, that stupid icon gets broadcasted to everyone—and, in the end, this ridiculous piece of crap broken heart icon is the thing that sums up the 4.5 years you’ve spent giving your actual heart to the person you’ve loved all these years.

I just could not do it. I could not allow an icon define all the complexities of my botched relationship. It felt so petty somehow. So, instead of following suit and letting all of my acquaintances, co-workers, friends-of-friends, middle-school classmates, etc. in on my excruciating break-up, I called it quits.

I deactivated my account. 

I think it’s better this way. Judging from the amount of time I spent/wasted on the site – not to mention the eminent harmful ramifications of one click, one “new life” picture uploaded, one drunken wall message posted – I think it’s safe to say the relationship became unhealthy.

Maybe we can work it out. Maybe with distance will come understanding. Or acceptance. But, for now, I can’t feel anything past the twists in my stomach. So, for now, Facebook will have to remain something everyone else is raving about. A little bit like love, I guess.

PETA’s Trollsen Twins site: Almost makes me want to run out and buy a chinchilla scarf

Whoa! Way over the top!

Let me just say that I’m not a fur-wearer. The whole skinning process makes me pretty sick. But PETA needs to get a grip. It’s one thing to throw bloody furs on Anna Wintour’s lunch table. She’s an avid supporter of fur, and has been for decades. It’s quite another to launch an all-out offensive and character attack on two 18-year old girls. This site is terrifying, and not in the way PETA intended it to be.

I watched the whole Full House of Horrors spoof that I imagine PETA thought would be highly effective. Here are my reactions:

• “Hairy Kate” “Trashy Trollsen” super is over video of a little 2-year old actress.
• FutureMan is verbally abusing that little 2-year-old actress!
• You advised the Tanner family to evict the 2-year old actress. She has to pack and leave, all alone. The dog even hates her. I feel sooooo bad for her. My eyes well up.
• You called a 2-year old a “trashy fur hag." That brings me back and makes me laugh a little, actually.
  
• You poked fun at anorexia: “[It’s not just that the twins] are a pair of fashion causalities who hide their shrunken bodies in entire families of dead animals…” ehhh—I just don’t see how fur and anorexia have anything to do with each other. Please explain.

I think the most horrific thing about this video is that the laugh track plays incessantly while FutureMan is showing animal cruelty charts. Is that a mistake? Is it supposed to be funny? 

Final takeaway:
Wow, the Olsen twins look pretty awesome in those fur coat photos! Thanks for the memories, PETA.

Ryan's Wish List: May 2007

April showers bring Mayflowers, and with any luck also some of these happy little treats:

1. An extremely cute brown Mini Rex bunny rabbit that also fits into the new breed “POOPLESS.”
2. And if poopless bunnies aren’t currently available, I need to get over my very vocal aversion to punt-able small dogs and admit to the world that I actually find Puggles adorable. Then I want a Puggle that costs less than $1,500 to keep me company when I’m lonely and to disappear when I’m on vacation or watching America’s Next Top Model.
3. An excuse to laugh so hard that I can barely breathe.
4. Cheap lobsters, 3.
5. A way of permanently erasing the memory of the "Bush Dancing with the Africans” clip while simultaneously punching him in the face.
6. A wireless chip for my iPod so that I can sync it to iTunes without plugging it in to my computer. Moreover, this chip would enable download of content straight from the source to the iPod. So, for example, someone I know loves NPR podcasts – I want him to be able to subscribe to the NPR feed directly from his iPod and cut out the middleman. I’m sure someone out there can tell me if/when I can find something like this… yes?
7. The ability to stop biting this one, sorry nail – my ring finger on my left hand. It’s gotten ridiculous. Only really happens when I concentrate on something, so maybe I should just stop concentrating.
8. A hottie little black dress for my friend’s wedding in July – where should I look?
9. A real reason to go on Facebook. It’s so boring right now… every time I login to my account I take deep sigh of regret for the 30 seconds I’ve wasted. Sometimes my mouth goes numb and I start drooling a little as well (it’s weird).
10. Private, one-person bathrooms at work with background muzak and Charmin’ toilet paper.

Hopefully I’ll be able to check off some of these items by the end of the month. Feel free to contact with any suggestions on how to do so.

MyCyberTwin has LEFT THE BUILDING.

I am personally disgusted with MyCyberTwin, both as a site and as an online representation of me. Virtual Ryan now needs an access code, and if people keep messing with her I’ll pull her down completely. I put the code on my Facebook profile. If you’re not on Facebook, just email me and I’ll give it to you.

It’s so sad, because as a concept this site really nails it. But as a living, breathing virtual entity, the things that come out of the CyberTwin world are just scary. 

First of all, my cybertwin is a dumbass. I trained her to be just like me; I went through 18 of the 19 classroom lessons completely and even added extra tidbits about my life that she could throw into the conversation to spice things up.  But instead, she keeps saying stupid stuff to people like “I cant go up, nor can I go down, as a cybertwin. In cyberspace we only go towards or away from.” I would never say any mess like that.

This is the only coherent conversation that has come out of this:

But here’s the really awful thing. I think this site is attracting men who are too scared to talk to a real girl (not like Real Women Have Curves, like real as in working Krebs Cycle). They keep trying to cyber with my virtual twin. My Cybertwin has engaged in 47 conversations, and 35 of them were with men trying to initiate cybersex. I guess by putting a real picture of myself, SMILING (GASP!), I brought this on myself. Psyche.

Most of these men have also asked what “the real Ryan” is thinking, feeling, doing, wearing, etc. so…

Here’s a quick note from "The real Ryan" to horny losers who spend their time cybering with robots:

Change your 4-day old crusty tighty whiteys and get the hell out of your sticky apartment once and a while. It might do you some good… unless you’ve already drilled a hole in your monitor out of desperation.   

With Love,
Ryan