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June 02, 2009

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James

I think that it's just part of our culture. Some intrinsic part of our culture, lumps blacks and whites dating into this strange-"they aren't doing it for themselves, they are doing it to stand out in society."

I think the most important part of having judgements like this, is acknowledging them and then starting the dialogue about them. Let's be honest: change can happen (Obama, what?). But, it takes a lot of late-night/over the dinner convos to make it happen.

Shapar

Everytime they promote mixing with the other races this means that you become weak and he becomes strong because he is ruling over us right? So that is one more nigga thats getting down with his way of life! I will give you examples in the past black people had their own baseball teams right? Why did the white man want us to integrate? Because he knew we were the people of God and we were getting more popular and NO ONE wants to see a bunch of crackers play so he integrated and by doing so he became rich and we brought flavor to the game! same with basketball and so on... The was a time in History when black people were separate it was called black wallstreet we had our own doctors,lawyers,banks and so forth and the white man bombed that place...you know why? Because he knows that the LORD said that if we stay separate from these other nations that we would be above them (deuteronomy 7:6)! Holy means to be separate!

Als Simmons

same here... I was very judgemental especially since my first bf cheated on my with a white girl after preaching that black women should be with black men.

But.. I decided after that relationship ended 2 yrs afterwards to not limit myself in a box. I dated asian, white, shades of black etc.. even went on a date with a Japanese. lol!

Now, I've been in a relationship with the best guy ever for 2 yrs now and he's Turkish Cypriot. We have so much in common being from islands. He has taught me so much. Our best couple friends are a mix race Zimbabwean guy and his Albanian (born in china) girl friend. Our lives are completely mixed with some much culture and sense of love and being. 4 of us come from completely different parts of the globe yet we have similar upbringings.

I know our kids will have a rich sense of culture, languages and appreciation to life and its complex differences. I've learnt so much about men, friendship and relationships just from being with my Turk and also being friends with our two close confidants. We're one mixed up and close knit family.

nothavingit

How funny it is to think of you sitting in a restaurant--with your white ex-boyfreind giving the stink eye to a black man dining out with his white girlfriend.

Isn't that just the pot calling the kettle...

Oh, nevermind.

CNKeach

Amazing comment, nothavingit. It's always struck me as strange when someone showers sarcasm and scorn on a positive and optimistic blog post, in this case,-- the rejection of jugdementalism. Frankly, I can see great virtues in not rushing to judgements (positive or negative) about who is with who and why. In fact, like Ryan, I'm not having it.

pdaddy

Ryan,

Yes, it is amazing the kinds of baggage we carry around. Making judgments--coming to a judgment--is such an important part of learning, of knowing who you are, and of being able to present who you are to others in all kinds of social situations. Being 'judgmental,' I suppose, signifies a hardening of the categories. So, I think it is great that you are examining some of your ‘hardened’ judgments about race and relationships on this blog, aiming not so much to confess them but rather to recalibrate them in light of better standards.

I must say, though, that I agree with CNKeach: your post elicited some rather strange comments. Shapar writes (referring I think to basketball): "Why did the white man want us to integrate? Because he knew we were the people of God and we were getting more popular and NO ONE wants to see a bunch of crackers play so he integrated and by doing so he became rich and we brought flavor to the game!" I really hope this is an attempt at sarcasm, because if it is not, then you've got some serious soul searching to do. It is one thing to offer a religious viewpoint on race and relationships, but quite another to bungle all sorts of religious allusions and then use that mess of an argument to come to the judgment that the races should be separate! This is being judgmental mixed in with stupidity, a really toxic mix

And 'nothavingit'...what are you talking about? If you want to make a judgment-—that is, if you want to present a judgment—well, then you should get out of your own head. If you disapprove of, or disagree with, the view expressed on the original post, then make your point clear. Here's some stink eye for you: being cryptic is a really ineffective way to engage in the social process of making a judgment. But then again, I suppose I am rather judgmental when it comes to squirrely, hit-and-run comments like yours.

nothavingit

@ pdaddy,

'Squirrely hit and run commentary'?

The author of this blog admits to posessing a desperate fear of black men, professes an equally deeply-rooted fondness for white male suitors, then rebukes black men for daring to feel any attraction to white women.

THAT's squirrely!

RyanB

You continue to misconstrue my point of view and my intentions, nothavingit. It's baffling and sad.

pdaddy

Nothavingit,
As far as I can tell, the author of this blog post does not admit to having a "desperate fear of black men," as you state. Rather, she admits to being (shamefully, in her words) judgmental of Black man/White woman interracial relationships. Further, she admits that her feeling of being judgmental about these relationships stems, in part, from childhood jealousies toward Black guys. She states, "They were always the most popular and the funniest…and most of them liked girls who weren’t boyish and gawky and frizzy-haired like me." That she nowadays likes to date white men could be interpreted to mean that she is acting out against the black men that used to incite her jealousy because they avoided her. But that seems like a stretch. It seems more likely that she "professes a...deep-seated fondness for white male suitors" (your words) or "digs White guys" (her words) due to the complicated mix of socialization and preference that governs why and how each of us realizes an attraction toward another person and acts on it. This mixture produces the often difficult-to-explain bases by which we 'just know' the types of others that attract us the most. "I like guys with big pecs, brown hair, and a great senses of humor." "I like girls who have long legs and no senses of humor"...and so on. In this light, articulating the bases of attraction can sound so strange and irrational. But what you have done here is offer the supremely uncharitable judgment that the author of this blog is unfavorably judgmental about black men/white women relationships because, at bottom, she harbors racist sentiments toward black men. Your judgment leads you to believe, among other things, that she advocates constraining their options for dating and mating. This is probably what you took from her comment that seeing black men and white women together has led to think that the black man is "trying to prove something." It is what I take from your comment that she "rebukes black men for daring to feel any attraction to white women." Rebuke? In fact, her post signals a willingness to praise, not reprove or reprimand, any particular black man for following his personal mix of socialization and personal preference. Sure, she seems to have arrived at this viewpoint in a roundabout way, by way of praising her girl friends' choices, as in this, "So now I take a step back. I see many of my White girlfriends entering into wonderful, loving relationships with Black men." But why on earth would you take this promising realization and cynically attribute it to being the outcome of a debased rationalization?

Lisa A.

I'm sorry but it's mostly black men who have the interracial dating/marriage double standard. I read on viewsonir.blogspot.com how many people who date interracially hold double standards when it comes to "opposing" interracial relationships but not when it comes to their own. Many people's intentions are less than pure when they date out, and that may also explain one of the many reasons why IR marriages, particularly with BM/WW, end in divorce. Are non-black men that date/prefer black women more likely to accept her natural features than a black man? From personal observation, I'd have to say yes unfortunately. What makes me angry is how far back America is in terms of interracial relations (my guess would be at least 50 years behind the rest of the world). I think americans are somewhat xenophobic and that's why interracial relationships are taking such a long time to evolve here. In europe and parts of asia this is not even an issue, people just go out and do it.

amanda

Interracial Relationships...Black Man and White Woman
We are in the 21st century now where it is no longer strange to see interracial couples walking freely on the streets. It is now accepted in the society by a lot of people but there are still a few people who frown at this. Some people believe that it is impossible for there to be true love in such a relationship. No one can know if true love exists in any relationship apart from the actual participants. Well I have studied interracial relationships between black men and white women, I have also read a lot of forums on the same topic and I have come up with different reasons a black man will go for a white woman.
1. True Love: A black man can actually fall in love with a white woman for reasons known to him. She in return falls in love with him and they live happily ever after, and perhaps have beautiful children. As I said earlier a lot of people believe this is not possible. And if it is possible they believe it is extremely rare.
2. She is attractive: A black man may find a white woman attractive and decide to act on it. A lot of times we find people from different races attractive but never dream of going into a relationship with them. This black man in question goes for it.
3. His surroundings: A black man may have grown up in a white surrounding. By white surrounding I mean he lives in a white neighbourhood, attends a majorly white school. He has not had the opportunity to meet a lot of black friends and has to make do with what he has. He has learned to understand white people and hence has no problem in going into a relationship with one.
4. To make a statement: A black man may want to prove that he can get any girl he wants. Be her black, white or Asian etc. So he looks round a room and spots the most gorgeous girl and she happens to be white. He goes to talk to her to prove there is no one off his limits.
5. To annoy the black women: A black man may want to go into a relationship with a white woman to annoy the black women he knows. This could be for different reasons maybe all the black girls have rejected him, dumped him, where too difficult for him, where too opinionated or he just generally dislikes the black girls he finds around him.
6. She is too nice: A black man will stay in a relationship with a white woman because she is too nice to him. This is tricky because it is not because he loves her but because she does everything he wants. She never argues with him, she is submissive, she makes him feel special, the white girl acts like she is so lucky to have him( I mean he chose me over a black woman).This black man ends up staying in the relationship because leaving will be too mean to this girl that has caused no harm.
7. Rebound: He is just out of a relationship with a black girl and does not want anything to remind him of her. So he goes into a relationship with someone completely opposite to her.
8. Inferiority complex: He has inferiority complex and believes white people are better than black people. So he only goes into relationships with white girls cause he believes she is better than any black girl.
9. She asked him out: some guys never refuse to go out with a girl once she asks him out. So when a white woman asks a black man out it is no surprise that he says yes.
10. Black girls play hard to get: a lot of black girls play hard to get and not ever y man enjoys the chase so it is no surprise when a black man goes after a white woman because she is not going to waste his time.
11. He is just playing about: He is not looking for a serious relationship the moment and just wants to play around until he is ready. When he is ready to settle down and even successful and want to have a family he looks for a nice black girl.
12. To prove that he is serious about her: Once people see a black man white woman relationship they immediately do not take it seriously. The black man has to keep on trying to convince people that he is serious about her so he puts so much effort into the relationship to make it work. He may even go to the extents of proposing and get married to her just because of proving a point.
13. Rejected by too many black girls: he does not see a point to keep on trying so he might as well try white girls.
14. He is gaining from the relationship: this could be financial, society respect, sex.
15. Something different: she is different from his kind, different culture, food, etc. The fact that she is different from what he is used to pulls him to her. She may be more adventurous than all black girls he knows.
16. Beautiful children: he marries her to have beautiful mixed race children with long hair and light skin. Everyone knows mixed race children are beautiful.
17. The devil you know is better than the angel you do not know: For a black man who has only ever been with white girls, he prefers to remain that way. He is afraid to go for black girls he has no experience in.
18. Hunger for what he has been banned from: His family and friends may have warned him from dating white women so this makes him hungry for white women. He just wants to have what he is told not to have.

These are reasons I came up with but I may be wrong. If you are in such a relationship you may argue that you do not belong to any of these categories or you may discover you belong in more than two of these. Thing is both parties should be careful that there are going into the relationship for the right reasons. It is a big task to learn about and accept another race; in the process you may lose yourself and your identity. You may be trying hard to please someone and become someone you think he or she wants you to be. You may lose your culture in the process and have to be someone else for the rest of your life. If you are okay with this then its fine. Being able to be yourself in any relationship be it inter racial is very important. You should not feel like you’re not good enough for your partner. A relationship should be 50/50 with both parties contributing equally. I wish all black men who choose this path good luck and happiness. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”,” one man’s meat is another man’s poison” we can never fully understand each other’s actions in life.

Olderbutwiser

Although it is still considered taboo by some people, interracial relationships can be great. It's not always about a black man trying to prove something, it's mainly about someone trying to find happiness no matter the race.

Interracial Dating

LeiKanijii

Why be jealous? Let go of these old stereotypes. They are in the past and serve us no useful purpose. They hold us back. Jealousy is lame. Grow up and learn to think for yourself. Find someone who loves you and be happy. I am a black woman with a white man. I have a beautiful, secure family that I thank God for every day.

Black women need to stop whining about white women. I grew up the only black girl in the neighborhood. I am SO NOT trippin off white girls. They do not have the key to the world!

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