Black men, let’s get real

A few days ago, I found myself chatting with a few co-workers about the Chris Brown / Rihanna conflict. After a bit of a pause, one woman remarked:

“I just don’t get this whole angry Black man complex. They need to get it together.”

The strange thing about it was, everyone participating in the conversation nodded in affirmation, thus bolstering her “point”. I, on the other hand, guffawed, shook my head, and retorted, “Huh? This has nothing to do with the ‘angry Black man’ – whatever that means. It’s an abusive relationship… race has nothing to do with it.”

Surprised? I’m sure a few of you are, seeing as how I get comments like this frequently:

“Maybe my problem with the statements in Ryan's blog is that maybe she should admit that she has a bias against black men, remembers your mother and her sister both married white men.”

and

“It's truly tragic how much you hate men who share your color.”

and

“Isn't this the same person who wrote about terrified she was of sexually hyper-aggressive black males? How they scared her into those oh so comforting anglo-arms when she was a teenager girl? Suggesting that only black men eyeball and catcall women in their teens?”

Ok. We need to talk about this.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how I come across on this blog to Black men. Because I care. A lot. I think about how I felt 4 years ago, when I came across the Facebook group Black Men and White Women Come Together (now defunct), or how I’d feel if I read a blog authored by a Black man who finds himself dating primarily (hi, not exclusively) White women. Did this/would this hurt my feelings? Highlight my insecurities? Anger me?

Perhaps.

But then I think about what’s real – at least, to me.

I know that I identify more with my race than I do with my sex. That might sound weird, but it’s true. I identify more with Black men than I do with White women. I think of myself as “bi-racial” before “female”. Because of this, I’ve always felt deeply connected with other bi-racial and African-American folks – men included. (!) 

I know that I’m someone who calls out the elephant in the room (I get this from my mom). In my opinion, doing so progresses the conversation past formality, to a place actually worth exploring. Because really, what’s the point of skirting around the issues? It’s boring and pointless.

I also know that discussing a topic like gender relations through a racial lens isn’t easy. It’s visceral and messy. I get that. But I’m not someone who gives free passes. So I knew I’d offend a few when I called out Black men for cat calling. But I also knew that I could have gone deeper… because there is much more to say about the public objectification of Black females (the booty-shaking b*tches, the nappy headed hos, the “come here girl” comments and over-exaggerated head turns… I mean really, let’s get real).  I make no claim that this objectification began in the Black community – just think about the Saartjie Baartman, or “Venus Hottentot” story – but somehow the Black community has managed to perpetuate it. Obviously, not all Black men do this, and obviously some White men and Latino men and whoever-else-men cat call and all the rest – but I’m talking about Black women and Black men here. And it’s an important issue for us to discuss, together.

So yes, I have quite a few concerns with gender relations within the African-American community. But that doesn’t mean I won’t defend Black men wholeheartedly when someone looking in from the outside makes an ignorant blanket statement like the one my co-worker made. A statement based on nothing but TMZ and the 7 o’clock news.

But within the community, we need real talk to move forward. Understand that I want nothing more than to uplift the race, but to do so I think it’s imperative that we address the good, the bad and the ugly. You be real with me, and I promise I’ll be real with you.

Comments

[meeshtastic]

Hey Ryan,
Nice post. These topics are rough and I appreciate your honesty in the face of ridicule.

[d.jackson]

Good post as usual, I like hearing your voice. I will say that as a black man, I did feel that the cat call post disturbed me, just an independent opinion. The key phrase I take away from the post is "within the community". Dialog outside of the community is at best, speaking to the wrong audience, and at worst, divisive.

[Nikki]

Ryan,

This is such a tough topic. I'm in the middle of a discussion with an old friend (a young Black man who I've known since he was a toddler) whose marriage seems to be disintegrating. And I realize that so many of the problems this young couple face are due directly to the kinds of social structures that seem to conspire against guys like him -- high and trade school educated men who're attempting to run their own business, in his case, construction. I watch with a great deal of sadness as he and his wife just talk by each other, and remember similar "misses" between my own parents. I wonder if young white couples face similar problems -- I doubt it.

[Rosa Pittman]

This is a great post, Ryan. I find it interesting that oftentimes, if you're biracial, it seems to disqualify you from calling out black people, I guess we've lost our aunthenticity card, when it's really that we want the best for our race, and that's why we point out where there's room for improvement.

[nothavingit]

Oh my stars!

An anti-black pow-wow by people in the advertising industry?

An industry on the cusp of a class-action lawsuit for its disturbing lack of diversity?

You found people anxious to dump on black males in THAT setting?

Oh my heavens!

(If that's surprising to you, just wait 'till you find out that water is wet.)

I'm not sure what's more amusing: your protesting against the race-based grimblings of coworkers in a business with a known race problem, or your claim to identify, somehow, with black men.

Honestly, your negro hathos is twisting you into knots. Might I suggest some talk therapy?

Oh wait--would the shrink have to be white for you to be comfortable?

[RyanB]

Yes, nothavingit. I have an "all white" (preferably aryan) policy for any doctor/physician/shrink I see. You figured me out.

[Aisha]

Hey, you can't please everyone, especially when you're telling the truth. Someone will always be offended. I'm still shaking my head over people's responses to the cat-calling post. Everything you said was true! And trust me, people weren't jumping on you because you're biracial, they jumped on you because you criticized Black men, which is a cardinal sin in the Black community.

It's admirable that you care what Black men think, but as you can see, honesty will always alienate some people. Anyway, great post.

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The strange thing about it was, everyone participating in the conversation nodded in affirmation, thus bolstering her “point”.

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ately I’ve been thinking a lot about how I come across on this blog to Black men.

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