CheapThrills

Palin’s "debate bootcamp" lessons

So this VP debate is coming up on Thursday. Quite frankly, I’m more excited for it than I was for last week’s presidential one. I think it's because Palin has been in debate “bootcamp” since last week, and I picture her standing in camo at a podium barking her answers at Beavis and Butthead’s gym teacher Mr. Buzzcut. That image brightens my day.

But seriously, what's she learning at this so-called camp? One can only speculate…

1) Maybe they're convincing her that the picture she claims to have seen? You know, the one of human footprints inside of dinosaur tracks? It was just an instance of witchcraft.

2) Maybe she’s forced to watch an endless loop of Ms. Teen South Carolina’s horrendous “the Iraq” answer a la A Clockwork Orange, just to burn the image out of her head. Because we all know her Couric interview answers were shocking similar. Can you even tell them apart?

"The... things like the terrain even in Afghanistan and that border between Pakistan and Afghanistan, where, you know, we believe that-- Bin Laden is-- is hiding out right now and... and is still such a leader of this terrorist movement. There... there are many more challenges there. So, again, I believe that... a surge in Afghanistan also will lead us to victory there as it has proven to have done in Iraq. And as I say, Katie, that we cannot afford to retreat, to withdraw in Iraq. That's not gonna get us any better off in Afghanistan either. And as our leaders are telling us in our military, we do need to ramp it up in Afghanistan, counting on our friends and allies to assist with us there because these terrorists who hate America, they hate what we stand for with the... the freedoms, the democracy, the... the women's rights, the tolerance, they hate what it is that we represent and our allies, too, and our friends, what they represent."

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our [children].”

3) But if she’s going to say something crazy, maybe they’re teaching her to at least back it up with a  compelling image. Like this one. 

4) And when it comes to actual issues…

a)    First and foremost, for heavens sakes don’t agree with Obama!
b)    On second thought, try to keep your mouth shut as much as possible.
c)    And if (when) you do say something ridiculous, just scream sexism and blame Biden/the moderator/the MSM for intimidating you. Mark my words, that’ll work like a charm.

Wanda Sykes on Leno Sept. 23, 2008 - "Jay, I'm a feminist. But that lady is crazy."

Wanda Sykes never ceases to amaze me. She's cool with dancing on the street corner in a red wig and a ridiculous fake fur coat, she doesn't hesitate to slap sense into Larry David, and, best of all, she's never afraid to tell it like it is.

Last night she appeared on Leno to talk politics and just straight up BROKE. IT. DOWN. I especially enjoyed her description of the Republican National Convention - "it was like watching a meeting in Doctor Evil's lair." My thoughts exactly.

More on The Huffington Post.

I'm a Lemondrop blogger

I’ve been blogging over at Lemondrop, the new lady-focused blog hosted by AOL. More silly than snarky, Lemondrop hit the Internets two weeks ago to much fanfare. I’m psyched to be a part of it.

I cover the Weird News beat on Mondays and Fridays, and also have some features in queue. The first one was posted yesterday, in honor of Wednesday’s America’s Next Top Model makeover episode.

Definitely check out Lemondrop if you’re itching for a lighter, goofier side of Ryan. Because, though I know I can get mad serious up in here, my all-time favorite workout is laughing. Great for the abs.

Here's a run-down of my posts to date. Lemme know what ya think!

That time I was on The Price is Right

Don’t believe Tony! Toni! Tone! for a second. It definitely rains in Southern California. And it was on one  particularly flood-watered January day that my BF and I found ourselves on the CBS lot for a Price is Right taping. Because really, what else is there to do in LA when the sun's hiding?

After waiting around for a couple hours with some insane Price is Right fans (you know, those weird matching T-shirt peeps, or worse yet, the older people with “I Love Bob Barker” face-painted to their cheeks), we finally got lined up to enter the studio. On the way in, a few producers took groups of 20 for quick interviews.

I basically acted like a lunatic during that interview. Somehow, I knew that would get me called down.

And then the luck just kept rollin’ my way. Which I found infinitely hilarious.

Most random showcase EVER. Seriously... a saxophone? What would you have bid on all this?

Grand finale, complete with Grandmommy shout out. She watched the show every day of her adult life.

And there you have it. Feel free to make fun… I know I looked psychotic. Happy Friday!

Caught on tape! McCain gettin' dirty...

McCain’s icky Education ad prompted me to dig a little deeper and find out the sex ed legislation that Obama actually supported. Here’s what I found, from McClatchy’s fact check:

As a state senator in Illinois, Obama did vote for but was not a sponsor of legislation dealing with sex ed for grades K-12. But the legislation allowed local school boards to teach "age-appropriate" sex education, not comprehensive lessons to kindergartners, and it gave schools the ability to warn young children about inappropriate touching and sexual predators.

Republican Alan Keyes tried to use Obama's vote against him in the 2004 U.S. Senate race. At the time, Obama spoke about wanting to protect young children from abuse. He made clear then that he was not supporting teaching kindergartners about explicit details of sex.

Obama spokesman Bill Burton said Tuesday of McCain's ad: "It is shameful and downright perverse for the McCain campaign to use a bill that was written to protect young children from sexual predators as a recycled and discredited political attack against a father of two young girls."

So I’d like to say thank you to McCain, for helping me to learn a bit more about my candidate.

But all jokes aside, this ad makes me feel sick to my stomach. Like, I’m nauseous right now. I think it has something to do with this screenshot:

 
What do we see here? Obama looking down, shirt ruffled, sleazy grin on his face. What do we hear? A voiceover discussing his support of comprehensive sex ed for kindergartners. And so, I wonder, what are we meant to imagine?  That Obama is looking down at a little kid in a sexual way. And what are we meant to feel, as a gut reaction? Outrage and fear.

Well it worked – I do feel outrage and fear. Outrage that McCain would stoop so low as to dip into the Birth of a Nation playbook , and fear of the filth to come out of his campaign.

Gutter politics indeed.

Related:
Time's Swampland - Apology Not Accepted
HuffingtonPost - Gutter Politics

What if...? Thoughts on teen pregnancy, Sarah Palin and reproductive rights

Couple hypotheticals…

• Close your eyes and imagine Barack Obama’s beautiful 9-year old daughter, Malia. Now imagine her 7 years older, 6 months pregnant and unwed. Would she be labeled as a courageous young woman with strong family values? Would evangelicals rally behind her? Hmm… I'm thinking NO WAY, but that's just me.

• Keep your eyes closed, but now imagine a Sarah Palin presidency with respect to reproductive rights. Roe V. Wade overturned. Abortion illegal, even in the cases of rape and incest—a position that even Cindy McCain opposes. Abstinence taught in schools (along with Creationalism! But that’s a different story). Funding cut for programs that benefit teen moms (see image below)… which would include her own daughter, Bristol. That is, if Bristol were any of the other 749,999 pregnant teens whose story wasn’t being exploited as a Family Values platform by the RNC.

4 steps back. 0 steps forward. And you know what stings the most? All this regression will come at the hands of one of our own, a woman.

(Props to Field Negro/ArtMaggot for the first image)

Related:
Freakonomics - The Numbers on Teen Pregnancy
The Field Negro - Sarah Get Your Gun
Jezebel - Ask Not What Bristol Palin Can Do For You, Ask What Sarah Palin Can Do For Your Pregnant Daughter

Levi Johnston’s MySpace profile and Republican values

I believe that scrutinizing someone’s MySpace profile is more than pure gossip indulgence. It’s deeper than that. Because people take care in choosing their photos, designing their background, crafting their About Me text. After all, one’s MySpace profile really reflects the image that one wishes to put forth to the world. It’s a page of one’s perfect self.

Not only is 18-year old Levi Johnston Bristol Palin’s soon-to-be-husband and baby’s father, but he’s also got one gem of a MySpace profile (now taken down). It’s pure gold.

The profile says less about Bristol Palin (I would never judge the girl, especially solely based on her choice of boyfriend) and more about the tragedy that has become Republican values. I wish I had the entire profile in front of me so I could parse it word by word, but here are the excerpts I was able to glean:

1. “I'm a f *ckin' redneck.” I guess this has become one of those reclaimed terms that the cool kids can use, like the n- word or something. I’m still a little (translate, extremely) uncomfortable with his pride in being a redneck. It’s terribly limited.
2. “I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some sh*t and just f*ckin' chillin' I guess.” Wait… is this the NRA’s new credo? If it's not, it really should be. 
3. He also claims to be "in a relationship," but states, "I don't want kids." Et voila. A paint-by-numbers case for comprehensive sex ed, birth control information and condom access in American high schools.

So here we have a limited sh*t shooter who’s about to father a kid he doesn’t really want. And I don't blame him for it. Because this young guy is a direct product of the staunch (and oftentimes contradictory) Republican values that have come to shape the party.

Related: Huffington Post write-up